Not breastfeeding, not guilty?
I have often been asked, ‘do you think you could be making mothers feel guilty by being such an advocate of breastfeeding? ‘
Over the years, I have personally been advised by various magazine editors, publishers and employers ‘not to write about breastfeeding’ because I will ‘make bottle feeding mothers feel guilty.’
Yes, I am pretty committed to supporting and promoting breastfeeding –I am an internationally certified lactation consultant (this requires thousands of documented hours helping mothers breastfeed in clinical settings, study hours and a full day internationally scheduled exam). I also breastfed my own five babies for a total of more than twenty years. However, I beg to disagree that promoting and supporting breastfeeding also means promoting guilt.
Although my books encourage parents to explore options and make choices that are right for each parent and their particular child, I don’t see artificial feeding as simply an ‘option’ like perhaps, which brand of pram should we choose? The choice of infant feeding has consequences - for the health of the mother and the health of the child. And what informed person would deliberately choose to risk their own or their child’s health? Parents are making choices on their child’s behalf. The person most affected by the parents’ choice of infant feeding is the child. As a parent, you are your child’s advocate.
As a lactation consultant, though, I know how hard it can be for many women to breastfeed or to breastfeed as long as they want to: I see women who are working against huge odds to give their baby the optimum nutrition and health protection that breastfeeding conveys. Many of these women have received unhelpful advice from everyone around them, including health professionals. I have seen babies who are upset every time they go near a breast because they have been handled roughly by hospital staff ( mothers’ breasts have been grabbed and their baby’s head rammed onto a breast); I have seen women who have been told they don’t have enough milk or ‘your milk isn’t strong enough’ (this is never true and usually comes from an older relative who may have been told this a generation ago); women who have been advised to give their babies a top-up bottle only to have the baby find the fast milk flow easier than working at the breast so consequently, weaning begins before breastfeeding even becomes established. There is also enormous pressure from some so-called ‘experts’ to implement rigid feeding routines (with the promise of a good night’s sleep). Unfortunately, this isn’t compatible with the physiology of breastfeeding and can also result in premature weaning. Then there are women who are battling against medical conditions that make breastfeeding challenging despite their best efforts. Some of these include: polycystic ovary syndrome, diabetes, postpartum haemorrhage, fragments of retained placenta (which fools he body into thinking it is still pregnant so affects levels of breastfeeding hormones) and rarely, insufficient glandular tissue (‘red flags’ are a lack of breast development during puberty and pregnancy). Then there are mothers who may need to take medications that aren’t compatible with breastfeeding because they have adverse effects when passed through breast-milk (the choice here is obvious if there is no suitable alternative medication – your baby needs a healthy mother!).
As for promoting guilt, when we pussyfoot around about making women feel guilty, we are patronising them – how can anyone make an informed choice if information is deliberately withheld? In any other circumstances, if we deliberately withheld information, we would be considered dishonest or even negligent. When we are prescribed any medication or medical treatment, if we are sensible – we will ask, “what are the risks?” / “are there any side effects?” We expect to make informed choices, and give informed consent about health care – and isn’t breastfeeding the optimum preventative health care?
We have no hesitation about informing parents about car safety restraints, sun protection, or reducing the risks of SIDS. The dangers of smoking are well promoted – and health care providers have no qualms about using guilt to discourage parents from exposing their babies to cigarette smoke. While we are on the topic of guilt, let’s consider weight loss advertisements – what about all those mothers in the ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos, and the implications in so many advertisements that women must have been neglecting their children when they were overweight. Now that they are trim and terrific, of course these women can participate in numerous happy family activities and no doubt have renewed energy to meet their children’s needs. Above all, what about the shame of being an overweight mother? How many of the women in the “after shots” smilingly claim “my husband/ kids/ family are so proud of me now!
I don’t believe the emotions felt by mothers who don’t breastfeed or who wean early are as simple as ‘guilt’: when we really examine mothers’ feelings about things gone wrong, it is rarely guilt that they are expressing, especially about not breastfeeding or not breastfeeding as long or as completely as they would have liked to.
Well informed mothers who reach for the bottle after a struggle with breastfeeding know they have done the best they could with the resources they had at the time – these mothers may feel sad and disappointed but they don’t feel guilty.
Amanda, a mother who breastfed her first child for three years but weaned before she was ready with her second, says:
“The hardest part for me was knowing that we were feeding on borrowed time. Whilst I at least had the opportunity to ‘treasure’ those last feeds – every feed brought bittersweet tears to my eyes, even the memory does now! The strangest thing is that everyone said that I’d done so well to feed him that long (8 months). After feeding Chloe for almost 3 years – I felt Jesse and I were at the beginning of our breastfeeding relationship – not the end. I definitely didn’t feel guilty (although I wonder if the use of the dummy contributed and I did feel a little guilty about that). How could I feel guilty when I have woken him at 3am as a newborn to feed him (to keep up my supply), when he would rather sleep. In the end I woke twice a night to sneak a breastfeed or two in! No – Jesse didn’t want to continue breastfeeding and that is all there is to it. People think I am crazy as everyone says how much easier it is when they are on the bottle. I agree in some ways it is, but I’d give my right arm for those cuddly breastfeeds, fingers playing with my lips and teeth and the little rhythmic pats on the chest. I’d also give anything to combat his intolerance to milk – WHY DIDN’T HE JUST KEEP ON BREASTFEEDING???
Mothers who later discover that they were ‘short changed’ by receiving inappropriate information or a lack of support (for instance, women who have inadequate maternity leave to establish breastfeeding) are likely to feel angry or betrayed. These mothers don’t feel guilty either.
A mother who gives up on breastfeeding because she allowed herself to be talked into something that was less than perfect for her baby, is likely to find that her self image as a competent mother is compromised. It is perfectly normal for a mother to feel she would die to protect her baby – and most mothers would! So when mothers give in to external pressures to wean their babies, they lose confidence in their ability to protect their young.
And if there are later consequences from a decision not to breastfeed, such as a child who becomes ill with a condition that may have been prevented, the emotion felt is not guilt -but regret. That awful feeling of, if only…. If only I had known, if only I had done things differently.
Guilt is only legitimate if we have let another person down – if we haven’t honestly done all that we could have or should have. And nobody can make us feel guilty without our permission.
Feelings of guilt may be triggered by external factors -like a health professional telling us about the hazards of artificial feeding, as we are reaching for the bottle – but these are OUR feelings. This is our own internal value system at work. We each need to decide whether this guilt is legitimate or not – or whether it is in fact, guilt or some other feeling and how we will act on this feeling.
For the sake of your relationship with your baby, it is important to differentiate between feelings of guilt and other emotions or perhaps, unrealistic expectations that create guilt whenever we don’t live up to our own standards of what we feel a ‘good’ mother does. To help work out what we are feeling, we can ask ourselves:
- “Where is this feeling coming from?”
- “Is this the best I can do for now? Or am I really letting my child down?”
- “What are my responsibilities?”
- “What can I change?”
- “Where can I find support?”
The positive thing about guilt is that we CAN act on it: If we feel guilty about the choices we are making, we can use these feelings to motivate us to make better choices. There is a vast difference between guilt and regret. We can act on guilt. The sad thing about regret is that it is too late. We don’t get another chance to go back and do it all differently with each baby.
Breastfeeding promotion is not about promoting guilt. It should never involve persecution of mothers who make other choices. If a mother has made an informed choice not to breastfeed, that is her right. If a mother has given up breastfeeding due to unsurmountable difficulties or a health problem for instance, she will need extra support. No mother, whatever her choices, needs to feel judged or criticised.
If we offer understanding, mothers are more likely to work through their feelings, to be open to trying to breastfeed with a subsequent baby – and to seek all the support they will need to make breastfeeding happen.
There is no excuse for using maternal guilt as an argument for withholding information about breastfeeding – this very information could prevent feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, inadequacy, betrayal and regret.
As well as acknowledging breastfeeding as the perfect infant food, we must also acknowledge that breastfeeding is more than just a method of feeding – breastfeeding is an intimate relationship and an intrinsic aspect of our biological femininity. When the breastfeeding relationship is ended prematurely, rather than guilt, most mothers also feel a deep sense of loss.
This emotion is grief – not guilt! And while we offer mothers platitudes like “you have given him a good start” in the hope of alleviating guilt, we are not giving them permission to mourn the loss of this intimate relationship. We are dismissing their very real feelings of grief.
Catriona’s story from my book Parenting By Heart:
‘When my first-born son, James, was five months old I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a malignant disease of the lymphatic system. Naturally this was a huge shock, as I had assumed that ‘cancer’ only happened to other people — especially older people. It certainly should not be happening to a 26-year-old who had just begun a family and wanted to live to raise a new little boy. I was admitted to hospital for tests over a one-week period, during which time baby James was not allowed to stay with me. I was told to wean him straight away, as I would have to undergo chemotherapy, and the drugs would be secreted in my breast milk.
‘Looking back on that time now I remember the pain and grief of the initial diagnosis. But the major cause of my suffering was the enforced weaning and separation from my baby, rather than the threat of a potentially terminal illness.. Weaning was such a trivial issue to the doctors (and friends and relatives) when my life was at stake. But not to me! My baby was the focus of my life at the time, and it was such a wrench to discard such an effective, healthy, and almost “mystical” bond between us.
By the way, Catriona recovered from her cancer and had two more children – both were breast fed into toddler-hood.
Tags: babies breastfeeding, baby bonding, baby breastfeeding, breastfeeding, Breastfeeding help, breastfeeding mom, breastfeeding mother, breastfeeding mum, breastfeeding newborn, breastfeeding problems, Breastfeeding support, lactation consultant, low milk supply, mother guilt, new mother, newborn baby, Pinky McKay
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Comments (26)
Irish Dad
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Hear hear. Superb corrective to all the pro-junk food, pro-neglect rubbish foisted on new parents these days.
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beka
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I understand all this but there is that guilt – of everything that i wanted for my son i was set on breast feeding – in fact i was the only one on the whole ward who was breastfeeding – not that i got any help for it – it was perfect until the last night in hospital – my little man just wouldnt stop crying. A nurse came and took him, gave him a dummy which i did not want and he finally settled down but i didnt see him until th enext day. When i got home it was like that again, all night he cried and i didnt know why – but the next day when i had a midwife come see me she suggested i expresse and i did and i only made such a small amount through the next few days that that was why he was screaming – i wasnt producing enough milk and i felt so guilty – The one thing i wanted and my body wasnt producing it. So in the end i had to bottle feed, the little man was a hungery baby as well so he ate every two hours on the dot. I hate that people talk about breastfeeding but dont aknowledge that there are women out there who wanted too but were unable I still after 2 years have guilt about being unable to breast feed
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Pinky McKay
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Beka – you don’t deserve to feel guilty, you havent doone anything wrong – this is exactly my point – that your feelings may be sadness and grief that you weren’t able to experience breastfeeding as you wanted to . This is awful but if you plan to have another child, perhaps you could look at some books or websites such as http://www.makingmoremilk.com and learning more helpful information so you have the confidence to seek the right sort of help. It sounds as though you got a rough deal from the hospital staff and the midwife who saw you – I would feel angry that they didnt help you to gradually increase your milk supply or support you to continue breastfeeding as you also offered topups to feed your baby. Hugs! The very fact that you care shows you are a lovely mum.
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Elle
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There was a great article in the ABA mag recently, written by Prof Peter Hartmann, about how human lactation should be a medical specialization. This excellent article (sorry I can’t remember the title) talks about the need for MUCH better information and advice about breastfeeding, to give women in non-breastfeeding-friendly cultures (like ours, unfortunately) the support they need.
This advice was very relevant to my own experience. After some trial and error, dieting and a lot of screaming by my baby boy I realised he was sensitive to dairy protein, so I cut it out (along with soy) and things really improved.
But in the meantime I was advised by one GP to just start buying ‘lactose free milk’ (I was so embarrassed at her failure to distinguish between casein and lactose intolerance that I just smiled and never went back) and another GP to stop breastfeeding entirely because she thought my boy was ‘allergic to lactose… And there’s a lot of lactose in your milk, so….’
Bloody hell. It’s lucky that I am a good Internet researcher and a relatively well-educated person. Otherwise I would have unnecessarily weaned my baby off my milk and onto some cows or soy milk based formula – and you can imagine the consequences there for a baby sensitive to casein and soy protein.
If our society valued breastfeeding more highly – and if formula didn’t exist – that kind if advice from a professional caregiver might be considered negligent enough to sue. I personally think it is.
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Pinky McKay
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Unfortunately, Elle there is still a lot of misinformation out there about breastfeeding and even worse that often it comes from professionals who actually have a duty of care and a responsibility to inform themselves or at least refer to help that is appropriate. Then more mothers may be able to enjoy their breastfeeding experience- you did well to seek help elsewhere and perisist until you discovered answers.
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Lara
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Thank you so much for writing (and publishing) this post Pinky! Some of your words seem like they were stolen out of my mouth (“nobody can make you feel guilty”, “denying health information to women is patronising”). I struggled to breastfeed, it took me three whole months to get a proper latch without pain, but I joined the ABA, got the support I needed, and just kept going. Eventually I decided to train as an ABA counsellor, and now I get very hurt when people attack me for “making women feel guilty”. I will be bookmarking this link, and disseminating it widely
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Disco Knitter » Blog Archive » Breastfeeding Guilt
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[...] Thank you Pinky McKay! [...]
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Sarah
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Thanks Pinky, what a great article. I think that it’s great that there is so much information about breastfeeding around, and I certainly think that mothers than can breastfeed shouldn’t feel bad talking about it. I do however think that the biggest problem is people’s attitudes.
I had immense trouble breastfeeding my little girl, and we ended our breastfeeding journey just after she turned five months. For some reason I lost the milk in my left breast two weeks after bub was born, and three lactation consultants could not explain why – or why expressing 6 times a day was not bringing it back. My breastfeeding experience was one of continual expressing and struggles with milk supply and after five months I just didn’t have the strength to continue.
I agree, what I felt was not guilt. I felt sad, I felt grief, but most of all I felt defensive. I will give you three examples of what I faced as a non-breastfeeding mother. A ‘family friend’ declared that she had trouble breastfeeding but had ‘never put a bottle in her child’s mouth’. A girl from my mothers group told me that ‘I should keep trying as it is our job as mothers to breastfeed’ and a complete stranger in a shopping centre confronted me as to why I was using a bottle. I constantly felt like I had to defend why breastfeeding had not worked out for me.
I am going to try my very hardest to breastfeed with subsequent children and I am so grateful for all the information out there which will help me along the way. I do however hope that people might use this information to become more accepting and tolerant of mothers who are unable to breastfeed and support them rather than judge.
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Pinky McKay
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Sarah – that is so sad that other women judged and criticised you – especially after such an amazing effort! You did extremely well to breastfeed under such tough circumstances and as I have said in the blog, no mother should be judged or treated cruelly for how she feeds her baby . We never know the ‘back story’ of another mother. I feel its just as important HOW you feed your baby as WHAT you feed your baby – that you enjoy your baby, that you are responsive and that you are supported as a mother. You are obviously a great mother or ot wouldnt hurt you so much!
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Kylie
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I agree with much of your article, well written!
One thing I’m not sure I agree on – you talk about being informed, then shouldn’t we inform parents about all options? Hospitals and midwives won’t mention formula feeding or even aswer questions when asked. When I was in hospital, I asked about expressing breastmilk, and they weren’t allowed to talk about that either – the policy was breastfeeding information only. How is that enabling mothers to make an informed decision? Whilst I agree that breast is best, health professionals should present unbiased information from all sides – for a lot of people, there are many benefits of bottle feeding (be it formula, breast milk, or donor milk), but this information is not being presented. What do you think Pinky – do you think we should give mothers info on all the options??
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Pinky McKay
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Sorry Kylie – while I think its good for mothers to be taught how to express effectively (as opposed to being ‘expressed’ by midwives), I don’t see that feeding formula is an ‘option’ like what pram should we choose? – the only time I see formula being used is if it is necessary to sustain a baby when mothers cant feed breastmilk – first choice is breastfeeding, second expressed milk from mum, third expressed donor breastrmilk (although withoit milk banking or suportive friends trhis isnt usually an option) – then formula . While I dont think any less of mothers who do need to feed formula, my point is that we need to protect and promote breastfeeding as NORMAL and natual – we are making these choices on behalf of vulnerable babies
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Sarah @dearbabyg
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Finally a pro-breastfeeding article that makes sense. After 3 failed breastfeeding attempts when I was younger I am extremely proud to be breastfeeding my 4th baby @ 12 months. I am tired of being made to feel ‘guilty’ by others because it has worked for me this time around.
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Pinky McKay
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Go Sarah! Enjoy every sweet moment – you deserve this!
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Loz
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Good article, but in the list of things that can go wrong with breastfeeding from the mother’s perspoective, not one mention of a baby who could not feed? I breastfed #1 to 2.2 years. Then I had twins. #3 fed fine after getting past his initial premature suck reflex/addiction to ebm topup bottles (he needed the topup when tiny but he got into the habit later; got him out of it though and still feeding now and then at 21 months). #2 attached so badly (“chomping”) pieces of my nipple were coming off and I had constant vasospasm. I had good milk supply but her weight crashed. She could breastfeed for 45 minutes and still drink an ebm bottle the whole size of the feed she was supposed to be having – and it was still hard to give her the bottles but at least squishing a bottle nipple got her milk (not so much a boob). She didn’t suck so much as squash the nipple. I saw any number of midwives and two lactation consultants and NOBODY NOTICED THE MALFORMED ROOF OF HER MOUTH until a chiropractor checked; and NOBODY MENTIONED SHE HAD NO SUCK REFLEX AT ALL until a feeding specialist paediatrician saw her at 7 months. 7 MONTHS it took me of trying to feed her and feeling like a failure for only being able to give her ebm (expressing around the clock for her while breastfeeidng her brother) until finally someone who actually knew what he was looking at and actually bothered checking said she would never, ever have been able to breastfeed. and then casually mentioned that anyone could have checked this by stimulating her mouth with a finger.
But nobody did that, until him. Nobody looked in her mouth. An LC told me her latch “looked fine.” A trained LC with all the certifications you mention.
7 months in which I tried everything. 7 months in which I, a mother who had breastfed two other children without problems, thought the problem must be me – that a different position or a darker room or different food intake or or or- might get her on the breast.
Maybe her condition is rare but it seems to me that the focus on the mother is where the blame comes in. Breastfeeding is a relationship. Sometimes there are problems on both sides of it. And while I know lactation consultants are highly trained the fact remains that some problems can’t be fixed, and the consultants who basically told me to keep persevering without checking the most basic aspects of my daughter’s feeding basically walked me straight into a vale of tears.
I did at least give #2 breastmilk exclusively for 6 months, half the time until 12 months, and a few bottles a week until 18 months. I would have given almost anything to make it work. I sacrificed sleep and sanity to pump for her day and night. I sacrificed time I could have spent playing with her or feeding her her bottles and having that bonding contact by foisting her off onto her father to feed so I could pump for her. I am almost at the point where I can admit I did everything I could have done, but I am really not sure that the milk she got from me was worth the time she didn’t get.
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Pinky McKay
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Loz, I am so moved by your experience – this so absolutely goes to show that despite an amazing effort you still didnt get the outcome that you wanted for your baby – you are right, the relationship is important but I cant imagine such a dedicated mum having anything but a wonderful bond with your baby, even though there have been ‘missed moments’. I am sorry I didnt mention ‘baby issues’ in my blog -I really was just trying to illustrate for people who think its all about pereverance that there are actually issues for a lot of women. There are certainly baby issues that make breastfeeding difficult or as in yur case, impossible despite the best intentions, and efforts. I am sorry you had to go through such a long struggle before you found answers – I too have seen babies that nobody has looked in their mouths and sometimes there are quite easily fixed thngs such as tonguetie that are hindering breastfeeding. You have incredibly lucky babies !
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Loz
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Thanks, Pinky. Obviously I am still carrying quite a load on this point. It seems so very unfair that two children have had easily what for the other has been such a struggle. It has been a very different bonding process for her vs the other two and I have at times felt compelled to wean my son because she was jealous of him nursing. I didn’t, although we have cut back faster than I would prefer, and we have worked out how to compromise – he will nurse for a bit and she will sit on what’s left of my lap and read with me or cuddle. We have a lovely bond now and her favourite thing is to pull up my shirt or her father’s and put her cheek on our bare chests, so there is more than one way to get boob time clearly
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Kate
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I’m currently trying to gently wean my daughters – they are twins and turned three several months ago. They are rather attached to their milky though!
Very good post, once I wish more people would read and actually listen to. When my girls were born, they needed supplementing due to severe blood sugar crashes from my gestational diabetes. So many people were stunned that instead of accepting and continueing with formula, I said ‘of course they will breastfeed, why wouldn’t they?’ And they did. I expressed as much as I could and for a week they got a breastfeed->then what I expressed->then formula as needed. And after a week I dropped the formula and after another 3 days, I dropped the expressed milk top up. I think I averaged twoish hours of sleep a night, and that was from adding the 15mins together!
Over the next year, they were exclusively breastfed but we had our problems. One went through regular stages of breast refusal and then there was biting. Eh, it was still worth it; nothing settled them down as fast as milky and it was the most reliable way to get them to sleep and therefore, for me to get sleep.
But with all the tiptoeing around ‘not making women feel guilty’ I am continuelly pressured (subtley or not) to say it’s no big deal. It IS a big deal. I didn’t have the hardest road in breastfeeding but it hasn’t been easy and I’ve done it for more that three years… and I’m not ‘allowed’ to be proud of it because of the whole ‘you’re making other mum’s feel guilty’ trope.
And that is frankly horrible. We should be able to be proud of our acomplishment without being frowned at. Is the person celebrating graduating college bad for making the drop out feel guilty? Heck no! So why do we treat this issue that way when the lack of sucess is so rarely in the hands of the mother anyway?
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Pinky McKay
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Katie – congratulations!! I have a neighbour with twin babies – so have been seeing (and cuddling) lots of the HUGE effort required with twins! You should be absolutely proud of yourself – other peopl’s feelings are THEIRS – you aren’t responsible. As long as we are all respectful and non judgemental, we are entitled to feel good and talk about our ‘wins’ – by speaking out you may encourage somebody else with twins to feel ‘I can do that!”
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Shannon
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Dear Pinky,
Thank you for writing this article. I am in the group of women who had to stop breastfeeding due to the medications I had to take for rheumatoid arthritis. I struggled for weeks with the decision to wean, and felt a lot of pressure from medical professionals and others around me. They told me not to feel guilty because I was doing the best thing for my baby. It was my first child and I did not feel confident enough in myself or in the decisions I was making. I only breastfed her for four months and I’m sure I could have tried to go longer before needing my meds. My daughter and I went into a terrible period of mourning and she became a dreadful sleeper. It is the biggest regret of my life, so when I had my second child, I did everything possible to avoid the same situation. There are lots of ways to manage chronic pain without strong medication. I am proud to say I breastfed her just shy of two years! What a wonderful experience this was for the both of us. I even managed to go back to part-time work and expressed in my lunch breaks (thanks to a very supportive boss). My daughter was always given my expressed milk at day care which was such a comfort to me.
I know what it’s like to be a mum who bottle feeds, and promoting breastfeeding has never made me feel guilty, it only made me more determined. It also makes me want to educate more people, in the same way your articles and books educate. Breastfeeding is probably one of the most challenging, but also the most rewarding things I’ve ever done, and I only wish more women could experience this with their children. The challenge seems to be getting the right advice and help when things aren’t working out. There needs to be more people like you in the world Pinky!
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Cassie
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This is a great article. I too experienced a lot of problems in the early days. My daughter was tongue tied. I was told shortly after her birth about it, but told that it probably wouldn’t impact on her feeding and to wait and see what happens. I was discharged from hospital with a baby who was not feeding well and by 3 days old had lost 450grams off birth weight and had not stopped screaming all night long. Adding to that I had bleeding nipples, was in a lot of pain from the birth and my milk supply was not increasing as I expected it to. I was forced to give formula top ups whilst expressing around the clock but my supply was still average and we still hadn’t seen any improvement in my daughters feeding and she was not gaining enough weight. I was told by midwives, doctors and family/friends to give up and put her on the bottle because she wasn’t thriving and that perhaps my milk had “no calories.” I was also told by relatives that nobody in our family had managed to breastfeed so not to feel guilty about it.
Fortunately for me my aunty is a lactation consultant and while she lives in a different state, she was my one woman cheer squad who constantly encouraged and supported my decision to keep persisting. With her knowledge and support and my determination we got the tongue tie divided at 5 weeks and things slowly improved. At 9 weeks it was discovered I had retained placenta and post partum infection and once this was treated I saw an even greater improvement in my milk supply. My daughter just celebrated her first birthday and we have enjoyed a beautiful breastfeeding relationship that has survived a lot of hurdles including returning to work. Often people say that giving birth was their greatest achievement in life, but for me it was overcoming these breastfeeding issues. Had I not been lucky enough to have the support of my aunty I surely would have given up and switched to formula because the support and education in the community is grossly insufficient, and I would have felt sad and disappointed because of it.
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Strugane
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i would just pump a few bottles and then feed baby boelttd breastmilk at night. formula will keep your baby alive but it is not healthy for a baby, so if you can breastfeed and get away from it stay away from it, besides your milk tastes good and formula is gross so the chances your baby will take formula at night aren’t very good. I will tell you though that it is really easy to snuggle baby in bed and lay your boob out and the baby will learn to latch on by itself and you can just roll over and switch when your other breast gets heavy. It is so easy. I have done this with 4 children and no one has ever had to get up with the baby. Once the baby doesnt need to eat at night, we put the baby to bed it his/her own crib. Daddy can take his turn feeding breastmilk out of a bottle during the day and I think that you will find that if you do NOT supplement with a bottle that you will have plenty of milk, however, if you supplement you will start having problems keeping up, especially in the beginning. Dr.s and WIC dont suggest you pump until baby is 6weeks old and your milk supply have been established. If you need more information, check out, Lalecheleague.org. Goodluck and Congratulations on choosing the best for your baby!
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Chaley-Ann Scott
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Excellent post Pinky. I totally agree with everything you have said here and, as a writer myself, I have had exactly the same experience with magazine editors not wanting me to ‘make bottlefeeding mums feel bad’. Apparently promoting breastfeeding is just too controversial for some publications. I even read an article yesterday from an LC criticising World Breastfeeding Week for this very reason. I don’t think this attitude is helping women, and their babies, at all. Women WANT to do best for their baby, and they WANT to be informed.
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Junebug
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I identify with that feeling of being ‘made’ to feel guilty but re donating blood. The adverts play on making you feel like a good person if you donate blood (ergo a bad person if you don’t). I don’t donate because I can’t and when I see those adverts, for a moment I feel ‘guilt’. But I can rationalise that feeling away. Of course they have to play on that emotion to encourage people to donate blood if they can but I know the advert doesn’t apply to me.
Breastfeeding education is similar in that it needs to play on that emotion to a certain extent to make sure women don’t make a decision they might later regret. If they reach for the formula tin and feel guilt then they may try to breastfeed instead (or for longer). If anything, breastfeeding campaigns shouldn’t shy away from inducing guilt but use it. You should feel guilty if you choose to formula feed when you can breastfeed. Just like you should feel guilty if you can donate blood but don’t.
But if you can’t breastfeed, don’t feel guilty. Just as people born in the UK, like myself, shouldn’t feel guilty for not donating blood. Or if you didn’t breastfeed because you lacked the right information, there’s no need to feel guilty either. Just like people who didn’t realise – until they saw the adverts – that they can donate their blood to save other people’s lives.
Don’t dwell on the years you could’ve donated blood, just do it now if you can. Don’t dwell on the baby you didn’t breastfeed. Breastfeed your next baby. Or encourage the mother next to you to. Don’t let your inappropriately self-inflicted ‘guilt’ stop other mothers receiving the message that will help them breastfeed their baby if they want to.
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Amy
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Information is power. Given the best information available, mums will always do what is best for their babies, if it is within their power. Breastfeeding is a huge learning curve, and often a complete mystery until you are holding a newborn in your arms.
My first bub did not breastfeed until 9 week, after a paediatric chiro observed that he had a mild tongue-tie. Once this was cut, bub began feeding with a shield and then within a week straight on to the breast. Until this point I had expressed for his every feed since he was 1 week old. He left the hospital as a formula fed baby (my milk did not come in until I returned home due to post-partum haemorage) and I was determined to change this. I was content to just keep expressing for him for as long as need be, until I joined a parents group and was surrounded by mums breastfeeding with such ease and I felt so damn jealous!
So jealousy was my motivation in finally achieving the bf relationship that I craved, and he self weaned at 22 months. I am so proud of what we managed to do with some good advice, good information and sheer stubbornness.
Bub #2 fed easily from birth, and I am constantly astounded at just how different my two bf experiences have been.
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Amelia
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I agree with what you have said in this article. It is however shame that people do attempt to make others feel guilty for choosing the bottle and personally I think that these people are worse than the people who condemn breastfeeding. Lets face it most mothers do want to breastfeed and for various reasons wean, some by choice, some by misinformation and some because they need to. I personally made the choice to bf my little boy while battling him spending weeks in NICU majority of that time he was on life support and me recovering from a csection sitting in a hotel room next to the hospital at 3am pumping to try and keep up my supply. Then when I finally was able to try him on my breast after weeks he had umbilical lines in and a paediatric nurse said to me ‘Ok now attach him like this and just remember don’t bump those lines or he will bleed to death quicker than we can get a team here…now relax and let the milk flow’ (this is verbatim). Devastated does not sum up what I felt. After all of this we find that he had a severe tongue tie, so we battled nipple shields that constantly fell off. He had surgery and within a week was off the nipple shield and on to the nipple. Then at 12 weeks fed day and night every hour and a half for 4 weeks and after lovely suggestions by a less than educated CHN that he was just using me as a dummy she then changed her tune when she witnessed him having full feeds. My final hurdle was when he had 6 teeth at once come through at 7 months and bit me constantly to the point where he would draw blood and I could barely feed him due to the pain and subsequent infection for days. No amount of no’s, crying, shutting up shop for the feed, distraction, boobie beads, expressing till it passed made a difference. My precious boy was not doing this to intentionally hurt me or make life difficult and after weeks of trying I was so stressed and upset before each feed that I decided that it was best for all involved to put him on a bottle. If anyone ever said to me that choosing to bottle feed was a bad choice or I am doing something wrong by my son (which some have implied), then I can tell you now the response they would get back would be filled with 7 months of hard work and exhaustion hurled at them and it certainly would not be G rated. So do I feel guilty? Do I have less respect for people like you Pinky because you advocate for breastfeeding and I made the informed choice to change to the bottle? My answer is hell no on both accounts, I am damn proud for what I have accomplished. So before people start bagging on bottle feeding mothers like they do constantly on facebook and parents rooms, have a think about what that mother has been through.
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Pinky McKay
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Amelia, you have done an AMAZING job!!! What a lucky baby that you persevered with breastfeeding through so many challenges. Be proud of what you have achieved despite the lack of support – that NICU nurse needs a good slap talking to you like that. No new mother should have to experience such fear mongering. I always feel that we never know anyone’s ‘back story’ so it is absolutely cruel to bag out mothers – this is different from advocating and supporting mothers to breastfeed. It’s totally unhelpful.
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