You thought I was nice didn’t you? Actually, I am a cranky old cow – I swear too! You see, it seems to me that the world of babies is going to hell in a hand-basket. And that brings out my inner bitch – big time!
I know there have always been the ‘Tamers’ and the ‘Cuddlers’, but it’s getting worse!
I get a couple of hundred emails a day about babies from all sorts of people Most of my emails are from the ‘Cuddlers’ (I love you!). Others (far too many – haven’t they read my books before they email me?) are from ‘Tamers’.
The ‘Tamers’ give me the shits! Not only are they disrespectful to the ‘Cuddlers’ (hang in there Cuddlers, you are doing a wonderful job!), but they are disrespectful to their own babies. They talk about their babies as though they are objects – badly behaved object s at that. They use words like ‘stubborn’ and ‘manipulating’ to describe these little people.
I am a proud ‘Cuddler’. I don’t have time to keep answering stupid questions from dipshits with ridiculous expectations of teeny, tiny babies, so I have made a FAQ list especially for the ‘Tamers’.
So, Tamers, if you want a quick fix, just check your question here.
1/ why does my baby cry when I leave him in his cot?
How the hell is he supposed to know he’s in a ‘fancy pants’ safety standards approved cot with a monitor on the wall and neurotic parents watching his every peep through the screen on their super- duper phone ( between checking everybody else’s train-wreck lives on facebook!).
For Pete’s sake (I hope ‘Pete’ was a Cuddler), you have a stone age baby in a space age world! He is programmed to expect a sabre tooth tiger or a crocodile or an eagle to swoop and gobble him up if he’s all alone. So don’t leave him alone in the frigging cot if he gets upset. If he’s still crying, for goodness sake pick the poor little bugger up before he is overcome with stress hormones that will fry his tiny brain and screw him up for life!
2/ why does my baby cry when I don’t pick him up?
He’s trying to communicate with you. If you don’t ‘listen’ when he tries to ask you nicely, he will yell louder to make sure you hear. Get it? He needs YOU to PICK HIM UP!! (See number 1)
3/ Why does my baby cry if I won’t feed him for 4 hours?
Let’s see, how long do you go without reaching for the chocolate or caffeine? Or grabbing a sip of water from your water bottle? Or stuffing your face with food? Bet you don’t often go more than an hour or two without sucking on something! Oh, and are you trying to double your weight?
You baby’s gut is tiny – the size of his fist (Go on, check his fist. It’s little, isn’t it?). And how big are your boobs? Yep, some of us have shot-glasses and some of us have ‘jugs’. Although it’s not actually about the size of your boobs, but what’s inside them, if you try and refill a shot glass with a litre bottle of water (or gin for that matter!), you are going to need a lot of refills, aren’t you? Well actually, your baby will need around 800mls a day and, just to be clear, that will be a few shot glass refills. Whatever size your boob storage capacity is, your baby’s tiny little tummy will be empty before 4 hours and he will need a refill! Or your shot glass titties will need to be emptied to tell them to make more tucker, otherwise you could ‘lose your milk’.
Your kid is fucking hungry –or thirsty! If you are giving him the good stuff from your boobs, he will digest it really quickly (it’s fuel for his brain AND his body). HE needs to double HIS weight!
Whether you are giving him boob or not, your kid can’t reach the fridge yet so he needs YOU to feed him. WATCH YOUR BABY, NOT THE DAMN CLOCK! And remember if he has to cry for a feed, you need to step up your game – CRYING is a LATE hunger signal!
4/ Why doesn’t my baby sleep 12 hours
Why did you have a baby if you want to sleep 12 hours? I’m surprised you found the energy to MAKE a baby if you are so fucking lazy that you need 12 hours sleep.
5/ Why does my baby wake up at 4 am ( I put him to bed at 6pm)?
If you put him to bed at 6pm, that’s 10 hours sleep. The kid is either hungry after sleeping without food for 10 hours (Can you go that long without putting something in your gob?) so snuggle him up with a boob and go back to sleep – or he’s ready to get up and explore the world! Two choices here – get up at the ass crack of dawn or if, like me, you don’t ‘do’ mornings (4 am is the middle of the night, not bloody morning in this house), keep the kid up in the evening, be a FAMILY and enjoy his company. Then all go to bed together at a sensible time between 9 and 10 pm – and SLEEP til the sun really comes up.
6/ Why is my baby so stubborn – he cries hysterically and refuses to self- settle ?
Because he’s not a fucking inconvenience, he’s a human being. He obviously CAN”T self- settle. What’s so bloody magical about that anyway – it’s not a developmental milestone like crawling or walking or jumping?
Do you ever fall asleep cuddled up to your partner? Then does he/she wake you up and say, get over your own side of the bed, we are creating bad habits? Nah, didn’t think so. You probably even have ‘nookie’ some nights before you fall asleep or read a bit or have a nice warm cuppa. How about giving your baby a bit of empathy – he’s not ‘stubborn’, he’s an evolutionary survivor and he’s expressing his needs – for YOU! Give him a cuddle or a boob (yes, really, there’s good stuff in those bazookas that’ll knock the little sucker right out).
And, instead of losing your shit over your baby losing his, be grateful he hasn’t given up on you. He still trusts you will keep him safe (must say I’m buggered if I know why, though) otherwise he would just shut the fuck up and not try to reach out to you. Think about it – do you want him to call you for a ride when he’s sixteen and doesn’t want to get in the car with a drunk driver? Or do you want to teach him right now that he’s an annoying little prick and he better not bother messing up your life?