Clearly I have upset people with my late night  rant about baby tamers.  My tongue was firmly in my cheek when I let fly. I am sorry if I have offended you, especially if you are a desperate mother. You deserve an explanation:

For more than thirty years I have been kind, gentle, accepting. I have written thousands of articles and columns for magazines, websites, newspapers. I have written gently in my books. I have spoken gently to parents, especially new parents.

I have argued on radio and TV about the rights of babies and children – to be heard, to be nurtured and to be treated with respect.  I have also advocated for parents to be supported.

But you know what – it feels like chipping away at an elephant with a toothpick.  I am sick and tired (literally) of seeing parents who are being responsive to their babies needs being hammered by everyone around them – from peers to professionals. These parents get crap every day about their gentle, responsive choices to follow their intuition. They have lucky babies but their confidence is shot to pieces by everyone around them telling them they are doing something wrong.

Last night  my cork popped! I had been doing a phone consultation with a truly lovely mama from the UK (yes I work beyond office hours and across time zones). This beautiful, intuitive mother who was meeting her baby’s needs simply needed some gentle tweaking and a big dose of support – without being told she was creating ‘bad habits.’  This mum had it tougher than most – as well as a lack of support for her nurturing from friends and family ( apart from her loving partner), this mum had been through the pain of her first baby dying. She had become pregnant soon after, so imagine her anxiety and concern for this precious child (please don’t read into this that there are parents who don’t think their baby is precious). She didn’t need her confidence undermined.

This triggered flashbacks for me. We have lost babies in our family too. My beautiful brother and sister-in-law also experienced the sudden death of their first baby. One day I was cuddling and playing with baby Ryan and the next day he died.  At the time I questioned – why do such amazing parents who have never ever left their baby to cry, who  would do anything for their baby without complaining about the ‘inconvenience’  have to go through this?

I am a mum of five and I have grandbabies. I DO know what exhaustion and desperation feel like. I have been there with babies – and with teenagers.  My husband was often away for work for weeks at a time. Many times he was on the other side of the world.  I did a lot alone .  I have experienced nurturing against the popular tide –I have been given hell because I wouldn’t leave my babies to cry, I wouldn’t ‘smack’ them , and now I find myself swimming against the tide because I won’t  accept baby training.

Maybe my frontal lobe is shrinking with age – maybe that’s why my filters are off. I am no saint nor have I ever pretended to be. I have always said what I believe – I know swearing offends. I don’t like to pit mothers against each other but I am truly concerned that ‘being nice’ isn’t working to turn the tide against the huge push for ‘convenient babies’. Where does it end? If you name call your baby at 4 months old and you aren’t prepared to learn and listen then, what happens to the next generation of teenagers?

I have 18 years between my youngest and oldest  ‘kids’. And I can vouch , there are a LOT of disconnected kids out there –and it seems to be getting worse.  My youngest went through a stage of bringing homeless kids he met at the station to stay at our place. These kids had been kicked out of home –at 14, 15 and 16. I won’t collude with kids who may have had an argument with parents so my rules are, if you are going to stay here, I need to speak to your parents.  I found myself speaking to parents of these kids and saying  it ‘damn straight’, “you have a duty of care,”  because, sure enough , the parents had kicked their kids out.  And no, these parents weren’t without resources to get support– I drove one kid home to a mansion. I hooked others into a local housing support organisation. I drove a few to appointments at a youth drug and alcohol counselling service. I took a car load to a youth family planning centre so they could all have a chat with a counsellor about ‘safe sex’ after one had asked about the ‘morning after pill’.  It turned out this 14 year old had had unprotected sex.  Her own mother had kicked her out and a phone call didn’t make a difference, so I took this kid to a doctor.  I took one who was self-harming to a community psychiatric unit for help and I have sat in emergency wards with others – whose parents were just ‘too busy’ to drive them to hospital (one had been badly cut and needed stitches through tendons in his leg and another had acute appendicitis).  I could go on….

My daughter is a psychologist in a school (a nice private school in a good area). She sees kids who have been kicked out of home too – at 14, 15 and 16.

I have experienced ‘the bigger picture’. I don’t get angry very often – ask my kids. Last time I flipped my lid was over a year ago – After a yell, I stomped off to my bedroom with a cuppa and very soon I saw one kid go to the clothes line with a basket of washing and another took the bins out.

Lately though I have been feeling utterly frustrated and at a complete loss and I did need a vent. You see, no baby or child deserves to be treated like an inconvenience – at any age. Ignorance isn’t an excuse.  I don’t care whether you sleep with your babies, baby wear or breastfeed – or not. You can nurture responsively without adopting labels or following any particular dogma or philosophy.   This is YOUR child and you do know your child best – if you listen and trust. ’Your feelings might be fragile but so is your baby. You are the grown up in this picture. You chose to have a child.

Nurturing your baby – you don’t have to be perfect – does matter.    Your baby will be making a difference in the world – he needs the capacity to form relationships, to show empathy and to experience JOY!

While I understand that parents who I have labelled as ‘tamers’ are reaching out. I feel upset that their ‘reaching out’ emails are disrespectful to their babies. They are also disrespectful  of my time. These are not parents requesting consultations – they are expecting me to email a ‘quick fix’ and some even get angry that I don’t post their requests on facebook or that I don’t answer their emails.

I don’t have endless time and energy –I have provided a wealth of information to read and listen to. I have interviewed leading international experts in child health and development as well as parents well-being. I have recordings of the latest evidence based information available. I spend many hours posting information on facebook so parents can feel supported and educated. I offer seminars and I do voluntary sessions with young, migrant and disadvantaged  parents.  I used to offer scholarship consultations but found that some people (not all –others were truly in need and appreciative) took advantage of these. So I stopped offering them.

I don’t know what the answer is to see that vulnerable infants and children are respected and responded to, but if my rude rant gets such a reaction, perhaps it’s at least making people think.

94 Comments

  1. rebecca Says Reply

    Well said…you do an amazing job of giving out information and advice…and i love reading what others parents have to write in response to another parents queries…some are great ideas and really get you thinking outside the four walls you can find yourself trapped in when life seems soooo overwhelming.
    But others SHOULD really keep their thoughts and comments to themselves…as they are not at all helpful nor kind nor even neccessary.
    I follow you with much interest and love your honesty and candour.

    • Tanya Harris Says Reply

      I fully support you. I too am tired of parents who treat their children as accessories to their lives and criticise parents who are too “attached”. Children should be the centre of their parent’s universe – loved, respected and treasured. I always picked up my kids when they cried and went to help them at night when they needed it. I don’t regret any hour of slept that I missed out on – it was an investment. They know they can call on me any time of the day – or night – and I will be there for them. Thank you for everything you do to help us mums!

  2. Catherine Says Reply

    I LOVED it. That is all.

  3. Louise Says Reply

    Well done! Fortunately you love what you do
    and are there for people in need through private
    and all forms of media consultations. When
    the student is ready the teacher will appear. I am
    a firm believer of the gentle approach much to manta dismay.
    I believe who cares and what people say about me is none of my business. Continue with your great work Pinky and hey
    rant and rave if this gets you heard.

  4. Dorothy Says Reply

    Pinky go for girl. I think its a shame that new parents are always conflicted on how to nurture their babies. We need to get this message out more – you had a baby to nurture and meet their needs – you didnt have a baby to ignore its cry for its needs. Well done and by the way I love your blogs
    Dorothy Waide

  5. lael Says Reply

    Go Pinky!!!! roar loudly. your work is so important. You have earned the right with all your service to mothers and babies around the world to loose your shit and roar. sometimes that is the only way a message will get through. excuse lack of capitals and punctuation. am currently snuggling my 6 week old niece whilst her mumma has a much needed nap 🙂

  6. Clare Says Reply

    “Nurturing your baby – you don’t have to be perfect – does matter.”
    Thanks Pinky for standing up for the babies. Someone really has. The babies can’t do it for themselves.

  7. Renee Says Reply

    Interesting posts. I am starting out in the parental support “business” myself, and have encountered some of the same frustrations you have mentioned Pinky. I am wondering though, (and I ask this without underscore or ulterior motive, and with total respect for your experience and expertise) If you goal is to inspire understanding and acceptance for the loving responsive parents in our community, do you think these posts have gotten us any closer to achieving our goals? Take out the truly dangerous parents, and I HAVE to believe that most people are simply doing the best they can with the information they have. I am speaking from experience when I say it takes courage to move away from a style of parenting that you have been immersed in your entire life. If may not be the first, second or 100th time that people take on your advice and gain the courage to change their inner working, but the fact that they are asking for help means that somewhere deep inside they know what they are doing is not working.
    I understand your frustration, but question whether treating others with the same lack of understanding and respect that you are protesting against is going to achieve anything.

  8. Alison bristow Says Reply

    Pinky you are amazing and have helped me endless times on my journey with both my children!!!

    I wish I could talk to you every day!! But your books, FB sites and blogs are just as amazing! Thank you!!

  9. Hedda Says Reply

    I think you had every right to flip your lid, and I have to say, I found your previous post hilarious and got a good giggle. I have a 16 month old and am currently expecting and something I tell the first-time mums I am in contact with is that reconditioning yourself to be a parent is the hardest thing that will happen once that baby is born. Your body rebels, it wants to sleep or eat or have a break! But that little baby only knows that it needs you and can’t fend for itself. Once you make that breakthrough, everything else can wait just a few minutes and you learn how to cope – or even how to just make it through until you can breathe again. Your work has been indispensable to me and my husband, our little man is cuddled as much as he can possibly bear, I still cuddle-feed him at night when he wakes unsettled and just wants his mama. All despite being told he should’ve been self-settling at 5 months and weaned way before now.

    Keep up the good work, Pinky!

  10. kate Says Reply

    You are awesome Pinky. Thank GOD, that there is someone like you speaking out for the wellbeing of mums and babies. In a world of quick fixes and ‘fitting baby into our agenda’s… you remind us to use our INSTINCTS!
    You must feel like a lone voice at times speaking against the tide of ‘experts’ marketting themselves for todays busy families, wanting results immediately.
    Please do’nt stop. The parenting world needs you.
    I believe in 10-20 years with greater reserach evidence and the continued integration of parenting/early development field and neurobiology, society will look back and wonder ‘what were we thinking?’ with regards to the harsh parenting practices that take place today. You are a trail blazer PInky!

  11. Skye Says Reply

    Thank you Pinky. You are the little inner voice that says keep going you’re doing a great job! Thank you thank you thank you!

  12. Megan Says Reply

    You are my hero Pinky!

  13. NaetheCuddler Says Reply

    You’re awesome Pinky, yours are the only books I EVER recommend to new parents, it is we as a society, that has lost the plot and forgotten our weakest and most vulnerable.

    Good on you for sticking up for the seemingly voiceless, language or not, sometimes things need to be put so simply and people NEED to be offended.

    It does not make the point mute, it shows you are human and passionate and that is to be applauded!

    Simple!

    Love your stuff x x x

  14. Jane Says Reply

    I’m with you 100% pinky!!! Sometimes roaring is all these people understand.
    Take care of yourself you’re doing great work – mammas and babes need you xx janee

  15. Amber Says Reply

    Just to throw a cat in amongst the pigeons, I found this article the other day in a website recommended by NSW Health:

    http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/calling_out_at_night.html

    it made me sad 🙁 Pinky, you’ve given me the courage to follow my instincts and parent the way I know I should. My little man is learning negotiation skills at 15 months – something I hope will set him up for life.

    • Hanna Says Reply

      That website is truely horrible! They suggest if the child cries to the point of throwing up. That you still give them NO affection, or eye contact. You clean the mess then leave them again! Omg! The poor children if people are silly enough to take that advice! I would love to see it removed!

    • Claire Says Reply

      Wow that’s awful ! Amd from a Govt web site. No one should be left to cry until they vomit – child or adult – amd them ignored while its cleaned up!

  16. Mel Says Reply

    I loved what you wrote. I cried tears of relief but I also felt empowered by it, especially when you really ranted and swore. My experience with baby training has made me very angry, but sad as well. After years and years of this, you must have finally had enough, and that is absolutely fair.
    Before my first child was born a well-meaning relative loaned me a copy of a well-regarded baby-training book. As a first-time mother whose own mother had passed away, it seemed that this was the way to go, especially as the lady who loaned it to me had five lovely children of her own. WELL… The advice therein eventually made me doubt myself to the point of almost having a breakdown. I became obsessed with her eating and sleeping habits, and while overjoyed and in love with her, I felt that I was letting her down daily and was going to be responsible for her being a terrible, wilfull, disobedient, and rebellious teenager – all because I couldn’t manage to schedule her feeding and sleeping and couldn’t stand to let her cry!
    I felt like an abject failure because it seemed that all my friends had their babies asleep by 7:30 while we were still together as a family until 9pm.
    We soon after decided to just go with the flow – but still the doubts bothered us.
    Thank God for the lactation consultant who loaned me her much-loved copy of “Parenting By Heart” when my youngest was born.
    Now I am happy to report that my three children, my husband and I enjoy family time until about 8 or 9, depending on the ‘vibe’ (ie. my and my husband’s instincts, and how tired our children actually are), and if our children need us we respond as we see fit. Quite often they are ALL in our bed, and Miss 2 (youngest) co-sleeps with us most nights. They are three of the kindest, most loving and considerate beings I have ever encountered.
    Thank you Pinky. You are so very appreciated.

    • Stephanie Says Reply

      Mel, I thank you for your post. My daughter will turn 18m next week, however for the 17 months, I had been obsessed over what I was doing wrong that was causing my baby not sleeping by 7:30pm, sleeping through, and self settling. I have had people esp. women giving the judgemental look making me feel guilty and inadequate. After reading Pinky’s article wrong, and as her parents we will continue to responsibly nurture her. Thank you Pinky, thank you Mel.

    • Ren Says Reply

      Mel I can so relate. I too was given a book when I had my first son which dictated a strict feeding and sleeping schedule. I was seeing a lactation consultant who pointed out that no where in this particular book was time to love your baby and suggested throwing it in the bin and going with the flow. When we did we were all much happier. We too have kids in our bed and I feed my youngest to sleep. Both my boys are happy and content, there are very few tantrums and very little yelling in our house. I am forever grateful for my beautiful children and will continue to nuture them. Thankyou Pinky for being the voice of our children.

  17. Lara Says Reply

    Bravo!

    I am truly sorry that you have copped flack over this. It NEEDS to be said, and I am so glad that someone with your public profile and knowledge has said it.

    I was one of those parents that thought that having a baby would be like it is in the movies (white lace curtains and a rocking chair anyone?), and it was only through involvement with the ABA that I “found my people”, who gently and kindly nursed me through my expectations.

    Thank you for everything you do.

  18. Hannah Says Reply

    THANKYOU for everything that you do. Your wisdom & support (Parenting by Heart especially) have helped me to be a confident nurturing mum who knows I’m not perfect; I have learnt countless lessons from you and am so thankful to have such amazing guidance available to me because I can SEE THE DIFFERENCE in my boys. And feel it too….
    I’m also ecstatically guilty of extolling the virtues of gentler (smarter!) parenting to everyone I can get to listen. And I see the differences in their children too.
    Thankyou thankyou THANKYOU, Pinky. You’re making a wonderful difference to our world.

  19. Gretta Says Reply

    THANK YOU!!!! I have exactly the same view. I am a mother of 4 children the youngest just 11 months (waking every 2 hours for a breastfeed). Everyday I see parents ‘disconnected’ from their children and it breaks my heart and yes it is getting worse. I personally think when daycare centres started popping up on every corner was where it all went wrong…. but that’s a whole other argument 🙂

  20. Renee Says Reply

    I haven’t read your rant but just wanted to say thank you. For your posts, ongoing online support and the information you share. I am a FTM and have a baby who has absolutely no regard for ‘convenience’. He was diagnosed at 4 months with pretty severe silent reflux that continues to this day. I have had everyone in my hear from day one about sleep training, weaning because he would be better on formula etc. I’ve also had some great support from others but most importantly, from my husband. My husband supports gentle parenting and is a big advocator for me and for meeting our son’s needs. We have never been interested in letting bub CIO or ‘training’ him. At 11 months we are still BF, he co-sleeps half the night with us and we are happy with this arrangement. Yes its exhausting at times and he is a demanding little boy but meeting his needs is our job and we created him knowing this.
    Please keep up the great work so that more people start realizing babies and children have rights too.

  21. Trudy Says Reply

    Pinky you are amazing and I have loved everything you have ever had to say. I am so tired of feeling guilty or labelled just for simply LOVING my baby and attending to his needs.
    Everyone that we encounter comments on what a happy, affectionate little 15 month old he is but can’t see the connection between that and the fact that he has been breastfeed whenever, where ever, cuddled through the night, hardly been in a pram and whatever else taming sins a mother can commit.
    Quite often when I am up with him through the night (and it happens a lot – he’s a shocking sleeper) and I start to get frustrated, I think of you and all that I have learned from you and then I am calm 🙂
    There is NOTHING more important than being there to meet our babies needs so thank you for standing up for us cuddlers!!

  22. Callie Says Reply

    Your posts, books, blogs and generous spirit have been a constant support to me as I stumble through these first few weeks of Motherhood. My confidence to stick to my gut and harness my intuition is nurtured by your writings- thank you.

  23. Steph Says Reply

    Well said Pinky! I wish I knew what the answer was too (to getting society to stop pressuring mums to ignore their babies). All I can say is, I think you have made a bigger impact on individual parents and babies than probably you realise.

  24. Kellie Says Reply

    I first found Pinky when I picked up “Sleeping Like a Baby” in the chemist when my daughter was about 10 weeks old. The opening quote along the lines of “I spent so much time trying to teach my baby to sleep. I wish I had of spent it enjoying him” made my eyes fill with tears as I could relate so much. At that point I was trying to follow a popular book which claimed if you just followed the strict routines your baby would be sleeping through the night in no time. I was beside myself some days when my daughter was finding it hard to settle or woke up earlier than the book said she should (ridiculous now that I think of it – how would she have known how long she was “supposed” to sleep?). I realise now I was grasping at straws with the routine book simply because I didn’t have the confidence to follow my instincts and thought the sky would fall down if I ever indulged in no-nos such as co-sleeping or rocking to sleep. My daughter and I muddled through, I am proud to say we breastfed for 18 months (including feeding to sleep each night even though the routine book said not to – gasp!)
    I bought Sleeping Like a Baby the day I found it in the chemist though and I think it saved me from going mad by presenting the other side of the coin as opposed to strict sleep training. I began to have the confidence to mix things up a bit and try out different things that felt more right for me. Some things worked, some things didn’t, but we survived.
    Fast forward 2 and a half years and I now also have a 6 month old son who I can say is definitely a “Pinky baby”! When he was first born I really struggled, juggling a toddler and a baby and was tempted at times to try a strict routine again to get some semblance of order back in my life. But this time around the strict regimes just didn’t make sense to me. And it didn’t feel right. I am proud that this time I have developed my own rythym and don’t feel guilty or worried if he wants another breastfeed an hour after he finished etc. When he wakes in the night we co-sleep and it’s just delicious to wake up to him snuggled next to me in the morning.
    No, my house is never completely tidy. No, I don’t get as much sleep as I’d like. I hardly ever get any time to myself. But I really believe that these years of truly investing in my children, truly responding to them, will pay off in the long run.
    Keep fighting the good fight Pinky – you are making a difference. You made a difference to me.

  25. Elissa Helberg Says Reply

    Pinky I have shared your rant proudly and loudly. As a parenting counsellor for years it’s what I wanted to really say but had my hands tied. When the media stops mamby pambing the world and speaks clearly only then will the general public listen. I no longer have to PC with parents, and like Joan Rivers, I believe speak your mind and the rest can go jump.

  26. Hanna Says Reply

    Pinky you are Amazing!
    Im single mum.
    We co sleep.
    Breast feed at 11months, ill stop when shes ready!
    People like you give me that lovely boost, when so many others try to tell me im wrong, or how it ‘should be done’ so as not to spoil my child!
    Rant all you like, you are human and allowed to feel, just like all of us and our children.
    Much love

  27. Maree Says Reply

    I love your work, Pinky. You’ve inspired me and helped me to be the parent I am today. Learning from you, and other resources has lead me to want to encourage others. To empower women (and daddies) to know what they are capable of and how big their hearts can be – and that it’s totally okay to show it. I, too, want to stand up for the rights of children and babies, giving them them the voice that seems to go unheard, and encourage people to respect them as they deserve.

    Love your posts, keep up the great work!

  28. Tina Says Reply

    It’s human to get upset and have bad days, however when you are a professional that many women turn to for information and advice I expect more professionalism – ranting would be for a personal blog or audience, not your professional one.

    I am a first time mother. I don’t know the right way to raise my child. I’m trying things to see what works for both of us – not because she is an inconvenience or a hassle, but because unless I get my sleep I am impatient and less likely to give her the patience, care and enjoy her as much as I should, so it’s a two edged sword. It’s not laziness. It’s not wanting a quick fix. It’s not expecting parenting to be a breeze.

    Yes, your post may have been tongue in cheek and there are many here who find it funny, but clearly because they share your sentiments and beliefs that your way is the only way to raise a child. That last post has alienated mothers who are trying to do the best for their children and don’t know what the right choice for them. It’s alienating people who may have followed advice DIFFERENT to yours and had success, but still share some of your views.

    You are telling me the choices I have made for my child are bad and wrong, and you hide behind ‘humour’. This was my first introduction to you, as a friend who thought it was funny shared it, and while many of your principles and methods appeal to me and are what I’m doing anyway, I doubt I would ever bother with your blog or your book due to your judgemental, rigid approach.

    Labelling people and forcing them into pigeonholes is pretty inflexible too. Oh wait, there’s your way or the wrong way, so it makes sense that your followers deserve a pretty title of their own.

    You are a professional with a long history – doesn’t mean you can stop being professional.

    • Emma Says Reply

      I absolutely agree with everything you said Tina. And I am so happy to see that not all the comments here are in support of this post from Pinky. I don’t need to elaborate as I would just be repeating everything you have said. Thanks for commenting.

    • Rosemary Says Reply

      Professionalism? Pinky has been nothing but professional for thirty years. I am so such of the attitude that women / parents / mothers are to weak to hear the evidence, science and the hard truth behind their choices and cultural beliefs. Because, make no mistake about it….the mainstream way of raising children has no evidence to back it up, is based on social mores of our own culture and is completely counter instinctual.

      I’m so pleased that you have found your way to parenting that respects both you and your family. I’m glad you are not taking the easy way out.

      As for Pinky being inflexible and rigid, Pinky is the LEAST dogmatic “expert” I have met. Before you get to easy things like that, you need to do your research. Read her blog and site. Then come and tell us she is inflexible. Trust me…the fact that she had left critical comments up rather than delete, censor and actually gone as far as issuing writs of defamation shows that she is far from dogmatic and rigid. You really have to understand what she is up against out there to understand why we are HAPPY that she flipped her lid. There are one or two other authors that will say anything, do anything and sue anything too try and shut her up….and we are not paranoid or conspiracy theorists. This had actually happened.

      As I tell many people, you can have your own opinions and beliefs, but you can’t have your own facts. Pinky speaks the truth and had done so lovingly for such a long time. Please give her the respect of allowing her to soak her mind occasionally. She had earnt it.

      • Dawn Says Reply

        Tina hit it on the head! It doesn’t matter how long one has been a “professional”, that person should know that her business/”professional” blog/website is not the place for venting. Then chasing that very unprofessional vent with a blog of excuses does not justify anything other than the person wasn’t being professional and she knows it.

        Let’s think about professionals. When is it acceptable for a doctor to go into a public space and call a bunch of people “lazy fatties” because they are morbidly obese? Doctors are human and most likely get incredibly frustrated at the obesity epidemic occurring and in many cases are purely self-inflicted. Not that I think Pinky is the equivalent of a physician, but she touts herself as a “professional” and “expert” which are two labels that apply to doctors.

        She said it herself “Ignorance is not an excuse.” She is more than aware that her work is seen all around the world, so using the old chestnut of cross cultural misunderstanding doesn’t fly either. If, as an actual professional, one thinks that something might be taken as offensive, then it is up to that person to make a concerted effort to nullify those chances. She has a psychologist daughter who should be very familiar with professional attitude and debriefing. Perhaps she should consult her on methods of debriefing that she might implement to avoid gaffs like this.

        It takes a lot to build a good reputation and following, but very little to bring it all down.

        To give a little information about myself, I’m actually someone Pinky would call a “cuddler” and am the most crunchy AP parent of all my friends. My two kids have never experienced CIO and at ages 6 & 4 still occasionally bed share with me. In fact, my bed is a “family bed”. As an Australian, I don’t give two shits about swearing, but I’m aware enough that not everyone likes it and in my business I refrain from using it.

        I have read lots of parenting books/blogs from a variety of authors. I have enjoyed Pinky’s stuff in the past. One who I have found very useful and is very similar in mindset to Pinky is Elizabeth Pantley. The difference is that Elizabeth maintains her professionalism despite repeatedly answering the same questions that I’m sure would make her eyes roll out of her head. Given this, I would feel more comfortable about recommending her in future.

    • Kate Says Reply

      I couldn’t agree more, Tina. I really felt angry at the bitterness and harshness of Pinky’s last blog post.
      Some first-time parents find the transition to their new role an easy one, but for those with questions, doubts or anxieties, it doesn’t help to have a professional parenting expert belittle them or their questions.
      We all need to stop labelling. Stop categorising and stop bloody judging each other. Every parent is basically trying their darnedest to get it right, to be the best parent they can be. But everyone is different and their babies are different. Heck, my nephew hated cuddles – true story – he still is a little boy who needs much more personal space than most. So my sister had to reinvent the idea of parenting and what was right for him, which she did perfectly.
      Harsh dichotomies of RIGHT versus WRONG do nothing to help anyone. They may make Pinky’s faithful tribe of supporters clap in earnest, as they are getting the validation they need that they are doing it ‘right’, but where does it leave everyone else?
      How about a bit of empathy, acknowledgment and support…that would do everyone the world of good.

  29. Sarah Says Reply

    You are doing wonderful work Pinky!! I am sure that there are thousands of kids who have been spared the horrible experience of being trained because of you and their whole lives are going to be better because of your work. Sending you extra love and strength xxx

  30. Hollie nelson Says Reply

    Well said Pinky!! You have influenced my parenting dramatically and I love reading your blogs etc as I can relate to them all keep doing what you do you are such a wonderful inspiration to a lot of mums out there and of course your allowed to rant where only human.

  31. Jessica Says Reply

    I appreciate what you are trying to understand but I honestly think having a rant on the Internet calling mums dipsticks etc is not the place. You are a professional and that is not the way to express your frustration when so many people look to you for advice.

    I believe most mums are trying their best and sometimes despite every effort to take on a ‘cuddlers’ role, it just doesn’t work and other ways need to be tried. I believe I am a ‘cuddler’ but by no means would I ever disrespect other mums and their choice of parenting style. Yes there are people who probably should have children because they are are treated like an inconvenience but you need to think of your audience…if they felt like that would they be trying to seek so much help?

    I think next time you get frustrated find another avenue to release it!

  32. Lindsey Says Reply

    You are great Pinky! And this is your blog and you are entitled to say whatever you like. I must say I was surprised by your post about the rant at ‘tamers’, just because nobody has ever said anything like that before. Usually you get the ‘tamers’ having a go at ‘you’ and pushing their viewpoint upon you, telling you that you are too soft. The “Cuddlers” don’t seem to be so pushing with their views, only softly offering advice and putting up with rude remarks from ‘tamers’. So it was really nice to see it the other way around for a change!

  33. Claire Says Reply

    I agree with you, it must be really frustrating.
    I know it’s frustrating to stand in a room of parents and be the one who breastfed until 2, doesn’t use timeout and seems to waste time trying to reason with her 2 year old. The one who doesn’t “seem” to discipline at all. The one who outright rejected the mchn after she suggested her 4 month old was manipulating her and using her as a dummy. The one who lost friends after getting jack of the persistent control crying suggestions after being asked to stop. The one who picks up friends babies if they are not available and they are crying.

    Perhaps it would have been better to direct your vent at the health professionals undermining our instincts. Because we’re all doing our best, and we’re all doing the best we can based on what we know. I’d suggest if people are asking you these things it’s because they know deep down that they are wrong and are looking for permission to change.
    I don’t think it’s fair for you to work for free, so perhaps a generic reply to these sorts of emails would work with a direction to come here. There has to be a better solution than this.

    Reading Parenting by Heart gave me such courage to stand up to other bossy mums, dr.’s, mchn’s, etc. What do you think these two posts have accomplished?

  34. Marlee Says Reply

    Oh Pinky, how I wish you had been around when I had my babies and I was able to read all the right information about how to nurture my babies. When your doctor says – let her cry, she is only trying you out! I went away believing everything he said. The MCHN was absolutely useless (she had never married and didn’t have children) and I was born into the wrong era, because I so desperately wanted to breastfeed and do what I thought was right for my baby. Nursing Mothers had just started in Melbourne, but in our little backwater city, nobody knew anything. Now 40 odd years later, I am still crying in my heart, because I wasn’t given the right advice and why wouldn’t the hospital staff know these things, afterall women had been breastfeeding since time began. To I too am ranting at the unbelievable unfairness of my child-rearing days and I wish I could go back and have it all over again, with the knowledge that you give and others like you.

  35. Ange Says Reply

    Thanks Pinkie,
    it is refreshing to hear truth and honesty, the world is becoming far to PC and unable to clearly state some home truths.
    I enjoyed it with a good LOL 😉

  36. Kate Says Reply

    Your first post didn’t offend me, but it hurt me. As a new Mum, my expectations came from families around me, in blogs, in my coffee group, and on TV. The babies fed, popped off, and slept in capsules, slept in cots, and seemed happy to lie on mats and kick. My son was and has always been entirely different, and I worried constantly about what I was doing ‘wrong’. I became increasingly isolated as I couldnt bring him to coffee groups, or even go out for walks (even babywearing didnt help). i admit also that I struggled with the ‘inconvenience’ factor you discuss in the first post- I’m not proud of that, but I’m also not surprised it took awhile for me to ‘get’ it, especially with a higher needs baby compared to thr others i knew. When I looked for help, the only places I found for sometime were ‘tamers’, who left me believing there was something wrong with my boy as he couldn’t resettle himself after 45 minutes,and wanted to feed more than 3 hourly. It took me a few weeks of obsession to get over it, and a bit longer to give myself permission to go back to feeding to sleep, then co-sleeping. It was then that I had the clarity to see what gentle parenting experts were saying, and that I started to find like-minded experts like you. I still feel a lot of guilt about the early days, but I know that I was doing my best, and that I was trying to act out of love. Maybe I was denying my instincts, but I was trying so hard to tune in and find them. Maybe ignorance is no excuse, but it’s also hardly surprising. Motherhood is not instinct alone for all mothers; it’s instinct + role models + research and learning and blaming individual mothers who may get it wrong within that context seems to me to be a hurtful and unconstructive approach. The gentle, cuddler community needs to welcome not shame to grow.

    • Pinky McKay Says Reply

      HiKate, I am sorry you feel hurt. There is a sad lack of support for mothers with higher need babies. You don’t deserve to feel any guilt – you did your best and you kept on searching for answers. As you say, you were acting out of love and you were trying so hard and you discovered that you could trust your intuition. This is all anyone can do. I appreciate your comments. Please also read my follow up blog where I explain how this rant came about – I too have a back story and I am genunely concerned about people who resent their babies and kids.

  37. Narrell Says Reply

    Pinky,
    In the short time I have been privileged to read the info you so lovenly share I have thought of you as an amazing, caring, wonderful, selfless person who is truly respected by so many people. Reading this blog has shown me that you are all that and so much more. I cannot find any words that really describe you and all that you do, not only for the many mothers out there who believe in your techniques but those lucky children who have been shown your love when their own mothers have clearly not given a toss. You really are a hero!

  38. Erin Says Reply

    Pinky – I too am frustrated. I have a fabulous well adjusted 3 yr old and a beautiful 4 month old. I feel less supported now with my second than I did with my first. It feels like things are going backwards…….
    My Maternal health never seem to support me either. I kid you not. Today I was told by a ‘professional’ that my 4 month old knows how to sleep through the night (which he has done since 6 weeks! – lucky I know) he has been waking this last week which I am totally fine with…. maternal health actually said to me I “shouldn’t be feeding him. he knows how to sleep through the night, He can do it, don’t get him into a bad habit” I said “he is 16 weeks old and I’m assuming he is just growing….. babies do a lot of this”. THIS IS THE ADVICE WE ARE GIVEN FROM THE ‘PROFESSIONALS’! Good on you for being angry Pinky, good on you for exploding. I know I feel like it a lot these days! xxxxx Thanks so much for sticking up for us mums xxx

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  40. Tracy Says Reply

    Pinky, as always you are an inspiration!
    You saved my sanity with my first child, and will no doubt do the same for my soon to be second.
    When everyone else was judging, picking, questioning, undermining, laughing and belittling my “cuddler” approach you gave me the strength to be proud, hold my head high and continue on.
    A million thank yous would not be enough for all your guidance.
    Please know you still have lots of people in your corner.
    Kia Kahu xx

  41. Sarah Says Reply

    Pinky you are an inspiration.
    I wish everyone got it like you do, the world would be a much better place.
    My motto is,respect the baby!
    I tried controlled crying once after reading baby wise, gina ford and tizzy hall within one week of having my baby girl.
    It almost sent me in sane, is was trying to follow these schedules , it wasn’t working, I felt lost, alone ,depressed and like I didn’t want to be a mother.
    I knew that controlled crying couldn’t be right, so I googled it (of course) found your website, did a lot of reading, bawled my eyes out, apologised to my baby girl.
    Since then I haven’t looked back.You are my main source of parenting info/inspiration.Your wise words often go round my head when I’m having a bad day or I’m doubting myself.
    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
    XOXO

  42. Jenn Says Reply

    I’ve always thought you were great Pinky but now I think you’re even greater. This post is awesome. Thank you for your generosity, wisdom, humour and support

  43. Jane Says Reply

    The flashing book cover of Sleeping Like a Baby on this page brought tears to my eyes because it took me back to a time when I felt like a loser mother. I was told to read a stupid book by Tizzie H and being a new mother and wanting to do all the ‘right’ things, I tried so hard to follow it, even to the point of letting my newborn cry for 1 & 1/2 hrs because I was too afraid that picking her up would created bad habits.
    When I borrowed Sleeping Like a Baby from the library, I felt all this weight lifted off my shoulders because I was finally ‘allowed’ to just be a mum, trust my instincts and enjoy my baby instead of being a baby nazi. I had so may people telling me that co-sleeping is unsafe or that they’ll never do it because their bed is just for the couple…blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m glad I did it anyway because it was such a beautiful experience (not every night but a lot). My second one is a good sleeper because I never ‘made’ her sleep but just followed her cues. Thank you so much for affirming a mother’s abilities and instincts. As for missing the ‘7pm bus’ a.k.a. ‘bedtime’ (from Tizzie’s book), I’m glad to see the f!@#king bus leave because having 1 more story with my kids is way more important (and really, who gives a sh!t about putting them in bed 6mins late!)

  44. Tess Says Reply

    This post is respectful and communicates a point – whatever the impetus, the first post was disrespectful. You talk about showing respect to babies, but as far as I know, the only way to teach respect is to show it. You have also lumped people into “tamers” or “cuddlers” and that isn’t exactly realistic either. I co-slept and bed shared with both of my kids for the early months. As their sleep needs changed and as it became apparent that bed sharing became disruptive to all, we transitioned (gently and without tears) to cot sleep. Any overnight tears were responded to, but we developed an age-appropriate and flexible eat and sleep schedule that promoted healthy sleep. My children are loved and secure and attached. We did extended breastfeeding and because I did things gradually and slowly, I never “sleep trained” but I suspect you would lump me in as a tamer, and I think that is disrespectful. Parents can love and nurture and teach healthy sleep habits and respect their children without unreasonable expectations. But some parents find that there are other ways to love and support than bed sharing and nursing to sleep at 1, 2 or 3 years that work better for the entire family. An exhausted, stressed, and guilty mom is not at her best.

    • Pinky McKay Says Reply

      Tess, Im not sure how you read into any posts that I would define you as any kind of ‘tamer’ nor do I say anyone should cosleep /bed share or not or breastfeed your babies tosleep at any age – if you and your baby want to cosleep or breastfeed to sleep, thats fine but not the only way – there is a whole spectrum of responsive parenting and all babies are their own little individuals – all I ever say is ask is it safe? Is it respectful? and Does it feel right?

      In fact, I think you have incredibly lucky children – that you are nurturing and respectful, you made changes gradually, with love and your children have a confident, happy mum. Lovely!

      My concern is that far too many people have a sense of entitlement that babies should not inconvenience their lives at all. I have heard babies called all sorts of names- from manipulative, stubborn, ‘a nightmare’ , little shit, ‘how do I shut IT up?’ Im not sure I can ever teach these people ‘respect’ by being ‘respectful -Ive been respectful for a long time and according to my messages, it’s only getting worse.

  45. Melissa Davidson Says Reply

    wow Pinky, I think what you said is great, don’t let anyone get you down! Someone needed to say it whether its got the f-bomb in it or not. Wish there was more people like you out there. You go girl!

  46. Brianca Says Reply

    I share your concern and I am greatful that you are speaking up. I feel that parenting initiatively is such a joy, but I feel I am the odd one out more often than not. I just wish that we as humans start responding to our babies needs, it usually takes just a small input of love and the return is so great.

  47. TooGood Says Reply

    Pinky! Wow! Just wow. You woman, are an absolute legend. I loved your vent post, and I love the follow up and I love you! Stick it to the baby trainers. You are one of a kind!!! Anyone offended possibly needs to reevaluate their parenting philosophies.

  48. Tony Vamvakaris Says Reply

    Pinky, what you said is very true. So many parents out there lamenting foregoing their lifestyle to have kids and a real “woe is me” attitude to life. Thank goodness our parents never thought like that or we might not exist today. You can see it at the primary school my daughter goes to, so many yummy mummies devoting 2 hours to getting themselves ready as if they were going to a fashion parade and slapping on a shorts and t-shirt to their children in the dead of Winter. Says it all, really!!!

  49. rei dellav Says Reply

    Thanks so much Pinky, I’m at the end of my rope at the moment with a very high needs 9month old and I keep getting the same advice from people that I need the use CIO, that I’m creating bad habits, that it Ok to leave him cry while I do housework and more along the same lines. I’ve struggled with depression on and off for the past 10 years and the sleep Deprivation is really getting to me. Out of desperation I tried CIO when he was 5 months old and it took me almost a month the repair the damage I had caused to his bond with me. My son is such a happy baby in spite of my depression because I chose to attend to his every need even in those very hard early months of reflux. To be told that I need to been more like a ‘tamer’ when I have explained that my wonderful sensitive baby needs lots of attention from mummy is very disheartening and the lack of support had me in Tears only a couple of days ago. I wish I had the guys to turn around and tell them off like you.

    • Pinky McKay Says Reply

      Hi Rei , every support to you. Its very tough when you have a baby who has challenges/reflux and depression is a horrible illness. Just hold your baby and look at him and know that you are doing a wonderful job to have such a happy child. You DON”T have to do CIO, this is YOUR child. Unless people are offering casseroles or to take care of your baby while you sleep, you dont even owe them the courtesy of a response. Try and find supportive people to hang out with and stay clear of unhelpful people -or at least dont tell them what’s really going on. Meanwhile, I do hope you have ssome help to work out what may be making your baby wakeful – it may simply be his developmental stage (practising his mobility skills in his sleep),teething (try elevating his cot a little) or it could pperhaps be sensitivity to foods, seeing he had reflux (check out http://www.fedup.com.au )

  50. Yasmin Says Reply

    I really love your recent posts. There does need to be strong language to counter those extreme baby routine “experts” whose advice is non-evidence based and downright cruel and perverse in my view. We have a five year old and a six month old. I’m really sick of being constantly asked whether the baby is “sleeping through”. When I explain that he needs feeding at night and he comes into the big bed from the first feed onwards, and that I usually get adequate sleep (just need to ensure I go to bed reasonably early) responses (which deserved swear words) have included: “oh, you really need to come down hard on that”.

    • Louise Says Reply

      What a lucky little baby he is too Yasmin! As you know our 5 year old twins still come in with us at night- so happy for that king size bed 🙂 Babies need love, and for them this really translates as cuddles, time, affection, connection. Not being left alone to cry. This shouldn’t be too hard to understand should it.

  51. Fed Up Too Says Reply

    It is about time that someone like Pinky brings this issue to the forefont. I have worked as a midwife for over 20 years and am confronted with too many selfish, obnoxious and self centred parents that do indeed have no fear in exposing themselves in front of others in this manner. Just three examples of many I am exposed to on a daily basis – one mother was open about the fact that she didn’t really want to have a baby, she did it for her husband. She brazenly exposed her resentment and selfishness towards this child when she asked me why he was distressed. When I alerted her to the large lumpy bruise on his head as being source of pain for him as the result of a difficult forceps birth, her reply was “and what about me?”. Another mother refusing to change her baby’s nappy, says to her husband “You can do it, I’ve done my bit, I’ve given your mother the grandcdaughter she always wanted”. Another mother, a teen, pregnant with her first, when referring to her unborn baby as being a “BITCH” – my reply was “would you like it if your daughter calls you that name when she grows?” Her reply was “my dad calls me bitch, he has always called me that and if I called him anything back, he would beat the shit out of me”. For those of you that want to have a go at Pinky’s rant, think again, and get your head out of the sand. This is what is how a great majority of parents treat their children. When we are faced with this day in and day out, when the parents who are supposed to protect these vulnerable children are in fact setting them up for behavioural and mental health issues, we do need to give these children the voice that their parents have denied them. This is what Pinky has done in her blog. Good on her I say!

    • Tina Says Reply

      So you think that those parents who don’t care about their children or find them an inconvenience would spend the time reading internet blogs from parenting experts?

      I would beg to differ – I believe those parents don’t care at all; many of them wouldn’t have read a book about parenting let alone searched for information on the internet.

      Yes, those parents need a wakeup call. I don’t think Pinkys blog, as a parenting expert, was the place to put that rant. Especially when she labels parents into two categories, essentially saying that those who are “tamers” don’t care about their children and resent them, and unless you’re a cuddler then that sentiment applies to you.

      I read blogs and information online in an ever increasing desire to improve my knowledge and ability as a parent, to find new ideas and ways of doing things that may benefit both my baby and myself. The last post did nothing except upset me and make me feel inadequate as a parent because I was a) looking for help and b) clearly doing things which Pinky doesn’t approve of or mocks, yet work for my baby and myself.

      The other issue which I think you are all ignoring here is the fact that many new parents DO feel resentment for a baby that won’t stop screaming or let them sleep or just be ‘happy’. There is the grief and frustration new mothers feel for the massive change to their life – from independent women to women suddenly tied to this new person that depends on them for everything. Many of these feelings can stop or act negatively on bonding with a baby, contribute to things like PND and even promote a distancing or disconnect with the child; almost a defensive mechanism. The massive guilt associated with not ‘loving your child’ enough, or not liking your baby, of feeling guilty because you wish you could go back to life before… Pinky implies that these feelings are the feelings of a Bad Parent, as do you. Maybe desperation has driven a parent to refer to a child as ‘it’ or they are so desperate they maybe don’t word things all happy and fluffy because they are raw to the bone.

      You gave some pretty extreme examples, but what about the normal parents that experience these feelings as they adjust? What about the hundreds of new mothers that you saw who loved their babies and wanted them, but didn’t know how to adjust?

      Where is the support for the normal woman like me who experiences those feelings, but loves her baby at the same time, and struggles to find that balance and ideal world where you ‘savour every single moment’ and ‘love your child unconditionally’ yet at the same time feel guiltily joyful about handing your baby to daycare or wishing that you could just go away for a week and not have to listen to a baby crying or whining. That is desperation, and that is normal, and Pinky’s attitude pretty much makes every new parents experiencing those emotions.

      I’m not saying that bad parents don’t exist, and I’m not saying that there are people who genuinely resent their children and didn’t want them. I’m saying I doubt those parents would be on this blog or seeking information, so what is the point in alienating and hurting those parents who ARE looking for help because they care.

  52. Tanya Harris Says Reply

    Hi Pinky, I just wanted to say thank you so much! I feel like I have battled on my own because I think my children should be picked up when they cry, should be cuddled at night if they need it and should be the centre of my universe. I have never understood why mums like me are constantly attacked because we put our children’s needs before our own. Children are not accessories to our lives – they are the most important thing. Thank you so much for standing up for us. I feel empowered for the first time in years! Tanya

  53. Emma Says Reply

    Thank you Pinky. My little man who is currently asleep in my arms thanks you too. You gave me the backbone to go with my instincts and parent my boy the way that feels right to us and not by the clock. when friends who would fall into the Tamers camp tell me I am doing it all wrong, tell my boy that he has me wrapped around his naughty little finger and offer advice that I don’t need I have your information, blogs and words in my head reminding me that I choose to raise my son differently and it is not wrong and he is thriving! So thank you so very much from us both!

  54. Marianne Says Reply

    about the outburst towards lazy mothers… their behavior is learnt and they need to be supported and educated so they don’t pass on the same traits.. it’s very sad really

  55. corneilius Says Reply

    We ARE biologically mandated towards empathy, self awareness and connection, and like all biological organisms we thrive according to the environmental experience we are born into, and live in. Just as artificial fertiliser eventually depletes the soil, a lack of empathy – baby training, indoctrination, etc – will disrupt the natural empathic development of our children.

    It is not so much parents, but Institutional Society, those infrastructure and processes of Power that determines much of how we parent in as much as it sets the environment within which parenting occurs. It sets the ‘standards’ and ‘traditions’. It creates the conditions. It is staffed by people whose empathic development has been disrupted. Only such people could initiate a war and sustain it, as did the West with regard to Iraq. Just one example.

    The stresses imposed on people by Economics, by Religion and by Ideologies – all procesess of Power – which treat people and children as objects to be operated on, to be shaped, moulded into ‘good citizens’ or experience the sanctions applied to those who refuse to be made over, are really quite intense, and biologically disruptive with regard to empathic parenting.

    It takes a huge effort, as you pointed out above, to chart a more natural, nurturing path through parenting in that environment.

    Support the parent, reveal the full story – the truth about our society, which is simply this : Power is structured and behaves in much the same dynamic as an abusive family dynamic, and it’s ‘teachings’ on parenting, direct or indirect, undermine the development of empathy and connection.

    And remember always that we are all dealing with this – what we were born into – as best we can and at the grass roots a movement is emerging, a culture of nurturing is growing. This will of course take time. So a sense of humour is required….

    Your rant is a welcome counter point to the persistent insistence that we mould our children so Society can be ‘safe’ rather than let them reveal who they are as they grow…….

  56. Fiona Says Reply

    Pinky, I only saw your column for the first time yesterday when my midwife shared it on fb. I laughed so much, I thought it was great. I didn’t even know I was a cuddler, it just seems natural to me. My baby is 6 days old, we co-sleep because it is what she naturally wants to do and I couldn’t for a second imagine leaving her to ‘cry it out’. I feed her on demand and am working to gently increase both length of feed and time between feeds. Unfortunately since reading your column yesterday morning, my partner and I have been bombarded with visitors who know better than we do, apparently. Advice has included holding my baby and telling her she has to cry it out while I have arms outstretched yelling give me my baby give me my baby until my hubby stepped in and grabbed her the first time, and I grabbed her the second. Yes two different people in two days. Other ‘helpful’ advice included learning to control my baby quickly so she doesn’t manipulate me, and teaching her to sleep in her own bed quickly so she doesn’t take over our bed. When the last of the visitors left today I cried with relief. Thank you so much for your post yesterday, if I had not seen it I would probably have been left wondering what I was doing wrong in the face of all these tamers. Thankyou again. (We are going to put a sign on the front door – ‘leave your advice here before entering!)

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  58. Louise Says Reply

    thank you. Beautifully put. Completely agree with you, Pinky.

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  60. Mel Says Reply

    Just because she’s a professional, doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to be a person too! People who are against co-sleeping or any of the attachment parenting I have done with my son seem to think they are allowed to belittle me, tell me what I did wrong and how the way they do things is so much better. Yes, there were times when I was exhausted, but I also have depression so some days my energy levels are completely depleted, having a baby just meant that I felt more tired.

    Even my own mother used to put me down, calling me a Mother Bear like it was an insult. Well, bears have been around longer than humans so they must be doing something right! Do what feels right for you, but don’t go to someone who advocates a certain type of parenting style and ask how you can essentially train your baby to fit into your life! That would be like me going to Tizzie Hall and asking her how I can become better at attachment parenting!

    If you want respect you should respect another

  61. Emma Says Reply

    And for what it’s worth, I used sleep training AND I’m a cuddler.

    Really.

  62. Marian Says Reply

    Pinky: Although I found the language harsh, I then realised that everything you posted about I myself have thought (or said privately to my supportive, cuddler husband) in the past – including the expletives. It makes me upset too, to hear otherwise sensible, kind people – including friends and MCHNs talk about training babies, teaching ‘independence’ etc.

    Parenting techniques are evolving – people look back on how children were raised and regarded as little as a few decades ago and find it abhorrent. We’ve made great strides towards protecting our most vulnerable, but the predominance of Tamer type advice makes me despair.

    There still seems to be this view that children – babies in particular – are not fully fledged human beings: this weird idea that they can’t remember anything so you can go right ahead and treat them coldly (for their own good, mind). Do only those with a voice deserve empathy?

    Good on you Pinky and thank you. You got me through so many moments of self doubt.

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  64. Bobby Says Reply

    Great post.

  65. Kelly Says Reply

    LOVE it!

  66. Susan Says Reply

    This is so spot on, “You can nurture responsively without adopting labels or following any particular dogma or philosophy. This is YOUR child and you do know your child best – if you listen and trust. ’Your feelings might be fragile but so is your baby. You are the grown up in this picture. You chose to have a child.”

    Yes. I’m new to your page and I am newer on this path of parenthood but I share your passion. I find hope every day in the multitude of voices that are now rising up with this message.

    I loved your first one too 🙂

    Your use of the word “convenient” reminded me of something I wrote recently and wanted to share with you: http://www.togetherwalking.com/1/post/2013/03/kids-arent-convenient.html

    Thank you for all that you do! I look forward to becoming more familiar with your work.

  67. Melissa Says Reply

    I am going to say a few things, agree, disagree, sit on the fence I don’t care – you are not me. We (parents & those who support us in a myriad of roles) all do the very best we can at the time with the information & circumstances we find ourselves in (on an ever changing basis with our kids). We make choices based on what we know, believe in or trust at the time. We make mistakes, sometimes big ones. Most of us rectify, some of us don’t.
    No matter what we decide as parents those judging for the negative or the positive are not in our personal situation, we are never truly privy to the exact circumstances of another or all the information. There are extremes both in parents & children, I am an ex police officer, so I’ve seen & been privy to a lot – children & parents alike. As a parent & one coping with a chronic medical condition all I can say is lets support each other & stop criticising based on our personal judgement & beliefs. Leave the carnage of our opinions for those parents who are really screwing up & who need a kick in the *ss.

  68. Lisa Says Reply

    Well said Pinky except for the f…..words. I see mum’s all the time and their baby who is only 1 week old they ask me when will they sleep through the night. OMG are they for real. Also this dream feed what is this?
    I just fed mine in bed and fell asleep too.
    Some first time mum’s think they know it all too about breast and bottle feeding when their baby is only 3 weeks old. As a LC too and 40 years experience I have a never ending battle about trying to get them to comprehend these babies are mammals and do better with just breast milk – their gut loves it. All the Apps, friends who know best and some or many health professionals who give crap advice grrr. Why can you not feed your baby to sleep??? Oh no, wake them up first then play with them, then put them to sleep – sure not logical at all!!
    Keep up the good work and promoting mothers as generally the primary attachment to trust their right sided instinctive mothering brain. Some of the dad’s are more maternal than the mum’s.

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