Beating ‘bad habits’ –  gently,with love.

 

It’s scary isn’t it, being a new mum and feeling pressured from all directions to resist cuddling, rocking (or heaven forbid!), feeding your  baby to sleep – in case you create’ bad habits’?

The good news is, you can relax: rocking your baby to sleep at four weeks old (or even four months), won’t set him on a path to delinquency, despite the dire warnings you may be hearing right now. Just to get a bit of perspective, imagine you are snuggled next to your partner, you are enjoying cuddles. The love hormones you are both releasing, especially if you are snuggling skin to skin, are making you feel drowsy. You start to drift off, feeling calm, loved and safe. Then, suddenly, your partner pokes you and says, “get onto your own side of the bed! We mustn’t cuddle to sleep. We are creating bad habits! “

Ridiculous isn’t it? But still, you can’t help wondering, if we do rock/cuddle/feed our baby to sleep, will she ever learn to self-settle? Are we depriving her of learning a skill? Are we just postponing the ‘inevitable’  (read, sleep training)?

Most newborns and young babies need some help to fall asleep. This is a complex neurological process that is a reflection of your baby’s developmental stages, not what you have ‘taught’ your baby: for the first four months, babies enter sleep from an active sleep phase and younger babies also have a startle reflex that can wake them randomly, so they will usually need help to calm and settle into a deeper sleep at first.  Also, at new developmental stages, your baby’s little brain will be so busy he may have trouble ‘switching off’ and relaxing, so he may need some extra help. The good news is that the help you are giving your baby right now is helping him develop the brain wiring to be able to soothe himself when he is ready – without any sort of ‘training’.

It can be lovely to rock and cuddle your baby to sleep or to watch him doze off, full and contented after a breastfeed. However, even if you aren’t worried about it being a ‘bad habit’, you may still be wondering, will he ever be able to go to sleep all by himself? Or, how can I make changes so he can settle without so much help?   You can relax, there  are gentle ways to do this without causing stress to either your baby or yourself.

It’s perfectly ok to cuddle your baby to sleep until he ‘weans’ onto bedtime stories as a toddler, if this feels right to you – and even then  little ones  enjoy bedtime cuddles.  If your baby has always been parented to sleep, whatever his age right now, it is respectful and kind to make changes, gradually with love, not suddenly by  implementing sleep training that involves tears (for both of you – you will miss these delicious snuggles too!).  If you feel ready to see whether your baby can fall asleep without help, give him the opportunity to do this by popping him in his cot when he is comfortable and drowsy, but awake. You may be pleasantly surprised – often at just a few months old babies will have a wee chat and doze off, regardless of how much you have rocked and cuddled previously.  Your baby may not do this at every sleep, but if he can manage to doze off by himself sometimes, and has no sleep association with being let to cry, he will feel safe and relaxed at bedtime and will do it more often.

If your baby can’t settle by himself yet, please don’t let him become distressed. Instead, you can try a ‘baby steps’ approach to helping him ‘wean’ off  needing  to be rocked  or fed to sleep – or even to help him give up the dummy:

I explain this in more detail in my book ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’ but, briefly:

Work out a realistic goal, then ‘reverse engineer’ that so you start changing one ‘baby step’ at a time towards reaching your ‘goal’.

For instance, if you rock or breastfeed your baby to sleep but want to change this, start by introducing  a more easily discarded cue as rock or feed, such as gentle music and ‘sleepy words’. Simply swapping one cue for another will be stressful and your baby won’t know what to expect so the idea is to ‘overlay’ the new cue (the music).

Play the music on a low volume without making any other changes to your bedtime routine for at least a week. Regardless of promises on CD labels, it will take your baby 7 to 10 days to ‘condition’ him to any music, and you want a positive association with this new routine. Going too quickly can be stressful , so this defeats the process , especially when you have worked so hard to make sleep time a calm and positive experience.

After a week, keep playing the music, but remove your baby from the breast or stop rocking before he falls asleep, just holding him until he dozes off. If he is upset, pop him back on the breast or rock a little, until he settles, then try again.  Tip: as you remove your baby from the breast or take a dummy out, press your fingers under his chin and gently hold his mouth closed – he will suck on his tongue a moment and relax, instead of grasping for the breast again.

Once your baby is happily falling asleep in your arms without being fed /rocked to sleep, the next step is to breastfeed him then pop him in his cot drowsy but awake. Keep your hand on him firmly (patting is usually too stimulating) and gently rock him a little if this seems to help.

When baby is settling at this step, you can start moving the bedtime breastfeed back a little and pop him into the cot with his music playing. If he gets upset, always move back a step until he is ready to move forward. With an older baby, once you get to this final stage, you may like to get your partner to start helping at bedtime.  He or she won’t smell like milk so cuddles and music will often work very easily.

Whenever you want to make changes, whatever these are, remember the mantra, ‘gradually with love’ and plan backwards from your goal, then work out baby steps and implement these, one at a time. There is no need for distress and if your baby’s ‘habit’ isn’t a problem for you, it’s not a problem at all, whatever your critics might say. If you cop any flack, unless the person giving it is bringing a casserole, you don’t owe them an explanation or an excuse about why you choose to give your baby extra cuddles.

 

Pinky McKay is the author of ‘Sleeping Like a Baby – simple sleep solutions for infants and toddlers’

43 Comments

  1. Karen Says Reply

    Hi, we have been following a very similar routine (No Cry Sleep Solution). Can you expand a little on how and when you could start to have Dad (or someone else) take over the sleep routine for a baby that generally feeds to sleep? Do you mean feed the baby and then hand over to the other parent or eliminate that last feed altogether? What about if you were leaving the baby for an evening? Do you have any recommendations for handing over to a babysitter? My son is 14 months so I don’t think not having that feed would do him any harm but I’m not sure he’d go to sleep without it. However, I would like the occasional evening out!

    Any tips gratefully received!

  2. Rebecca Says Reply

    I love this advice. I have read so much info regarding sleep and we have even attended sleep school but still always felt like I was doing the ‘wrong’ thing. I was tired of feeling guilty about nursing and rocking my little girl to sleep.
    All your info is so helpful, loving and encouraging.

    • pinky Says Reply

      Babies and young toddlers tend to see mama and boobie as a ‘unit’ . If you did go out and your partner simply rocked and cuddled with the familiar music on, your baby would probably become drowsy and go to sleep. At around this age I was minding my baby grandson. When I took him home he immediately patted my daughter (his mum) on the chest and said “Mama booba, nanny , no booba”. He didn’t expect boob from me. A carer wont smell like milk, he wont have that association. You could breastfeed earlier then have your partner try cuddling him to sleep. Some babies are OK with this, others will be older before they are OK, especially if you are present. Its often better to introduce partner settling for a day sleep at weekends – if the baby goes out with the other parent, then comes home tired, has some food and a drink then a cuddle, or perhaps a walk in the Ergo and falls asleep without mum, this is a gentle way to start the new association.

  3. Jo Says Reply

    Perfect advice in my opinion. I have always rocked and/or cuddled my babies to sleep. Although at times it felt like I needed to do something to change it, I have stuck to what I was happy doing and what felt right to me. My 20 month old has only just started going to sleep in his cot (with me sitting in a chair by his cot) in the last couple of days and it was entirely his choice. I was happy for him to lay in my arms to go off to sleep but he sat up and said “cot” so I popped him in his cot and he went off to sleep. I am happy that he made the transition so easily and proud of myself for doing what I thought was right for me and him and not trying to change what was not broken. I have always referred to your website for guidance Pinky and referred you onto friends who may be struggling and although I may only read a small amount it was always enough for me to realise that what I am doing is ok. Thank you.

    • Pinky McKay Says Reply

      How wonderful, Jo! It feels great doesn’t it when a secure baby lets you know when he is ready to make transitions – without tears or forcing. What a lucky baby you have been able to nurture and trust his natural development.

      • Gillian fraser Says Reply

        Pinky I’m having some difficulty settling my 9 month old for sleeps, we have her cot and a rocking chair set up in our room and after I stopped listening to all the sleep advice thrown my way she has been rocked to sleep for every sleep, she was so peaceful and happy to do this and I’m happy to keep doing this until she no longer needs it, however in the past few weeks her sleep has deteriorated even more, she refuses to be held in the rocking chair, even after a feed she will try to roll off me, I pop her in her cot and she just stands and bounces around, co sleeping results in her rolling all over the bed, she has gone without an afternoon sleep a few times now because I could not settel her and has become so tired by the end of the day I could not settel her at bedtime either. I’m trying to listen to myself and my baby, I just need someone to tell me it will get better.

        • Anna Says Reply

          This is us, but our baby is 11 months. I could have written your post word for word. I can’t feed to sleep, and holding him wasn’t working. I’m finding if I stand and rock from side to side I can get him to fall asleep. My husband was having more success than me. I have also tried taking him for a walk in the carrier before naps and his evening sleep to help calm him down as before we were just taking him in to sleep and this might have been too much of a change between playing and sleep. I’ve also tried to really create a routine/ritual for each sleep which has possibly helped. I can see why sleep training is appealing when you can’t even get your baby to sleep in your own arms. When you google “how do I get my baby to sleep in my arms” you get nothing! Good luck, it’s nice to know there is someone else out there, but at the same time I’m sad you’re also going through this tough time.

  4. Donna Says Reply

    I love love love this advice! I love feeding and rocking my bubba to sleep but everyone tells me I’m doing the wrong thing.

  5. Lara Says Reply

    This is such a good post, I’ve been rocking our bub to sleep or putting her in the carrier/wrap for day sleeps and feeling so crap about it, feeling like it will never end and wondering how will we possibly change things. The issue I have however is not just the initial settle, but the fact that we have to resettle her like this for every sleep cycle (she wakes from day sleeps after 45 minutes grumpy and still tired). The resettle takes longer and it’s impossible to put her down before about 20 mins into the next cycle or else she stirs.

    I’ve been told that when they wake in a different place to where they fall asleep this makes it hard for them to resettle, hence me having to pick her up and rock her through each cycle. Unless I put her in the carrier/wrap I spend my days at home settling and resettling and going insane. Any tips??

    • Jean Says Reply

      This is how it is for us at night – sometimes we get her a good 3-5 hour stretch, but find ourselves resettling her a lot at night. She doesn’t sleep well during the day unless being held. She’s 5 months. I love the snuggles but 4 times or more a night is rough. I feel your pain!

    • Sarah Says Reply

      I’m in the exact sane boat Lara. I’m keen to see suggestions.

  6. Nae Says Reply

    Finally some sensible advice! It’s just so natural to rock and cuddle your baby to sleep. As soon as baby is born we seem so focused on getting them to sleep alone in a cot. Nature intended for mum & baby to be close together but so many people just don’t get it. I threw out the parenting books a long time ago when I decided to co sleep with my son and am now doing this with my daughter too, I just love love love cuddles with my babies! My son still goes to sleep with his daddy (he’s only 2) but he’s a happy, confident little boy who knows he is dearly loved and protected.

  7. Rebecca Says Reply

    Just a quick note to say “Thank you” for always being there! I am parenting “my way” and have chosen to ignore all the well meaning chatter, instead focussing on my heart and instincts. Being my third baby, I thought it’d be easier but in the midst of my sleep deprivation (moving house, a loss in the family, a new baby, starting kindy has equalled all three kids awake on and off most of our nights) I tend to get very down and wonder what I’m doing wrong. Then I read your blogs such as this and feel empowered, encouraged and at peace again. So thank you for these much needed reminders and hints!

  8. Kerrie Says Reply

    Such a useful post and nice to know I am doing the right thing and it won’t harm our future! Happy mummy right now!

  9. ‘The Myth of Baby Sleep Regressions: What’s Really Happening to Your Baby’s Sleep?’ by Pinky McKay – Friends of L.R.Knost Rock the Guest Posts While She Battles Cancer | Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources Says Reply

    […] leaps and bounds. She isn’t waking because you have done anything wrong. You aren’t encouraging ‘bad habits’ you are helping your baby feel secure as she grows through these intense developmental stages. You […]

  10. Jaclyn Says Reply

    Thank you for your post it really helped. But now problem is that my 13wk old son is waking after one sleep cycle. It’s starts at 4am and goes till evening. How can I get him to sleep for longer? He has 1 hr wake time.

    • Amanda Says Reply

      At this stage I just used my carrier or held my little girl in my arms to sleep – she slept a lot better that way and happy baby equals happy mummy!!

  11. Hazel Says Reply

    Great advice. I feed my 8 month old to sleep and it works every time and I’ll be continuing to do so for a while yet if that’s what she needs. We’ll change whenever is right for us, when she’s ready. Calm baby, calm mum. Why is this something other people feel the need to tell me not to do? She’s a baby! Not a 3 year old. I’ve never read a parenting book, so I can’t comment on their content. Your advice ecoes maternal instinct.

  12. Debra Says Reply

    I have your book Sleeping Like a Baby and we’ve been following the advice in the book & this article to get our 13 month old to fall asleep in the cot, rather than in our arms. While I love holding her to sleep, she’ll be starting childcare soon so will need to be able to fall asleep without that assistance. The problem is that while she’ll happily fall asleep in our arms, as soon as either mum or dad attempts the “drowsy but awake” step by putting her in or even near the cot, she gets absolutely hysterical & nothing will calm her down except being picked up & held. We’ve gone back the step to holding over & over again but have no luck taking that step forwards! What should we do in this situation? Please help!

    • pinky Says Reply

      At this age you could try settling her on a mattress (single bed or bigger) on the floor, then instead of lowering her into the cot, you simply move away from your baby once she is asleep. She may be going through some fairly intense separation anxiety at this stage. Please don’t worry about childcare – good carers will cuddle her and help her to settle – talk to them about this. I hear of so many babies who are breastfed to sleep at home, but go to sleep quite easily at childcare. Discuss what their sleep routines are with them. If they use music, try using their music or ask if they can play your music. Also make sure to do a few weeks of orientation – stay with your baby at the centre for the first few short visits, then leave her for an hour or so and return, gradually increasing separations before you leave her to sleep there. This way she will be familiar with the carers and the space and you will feel more confident about leaving her.

  13. Breastfeeding your baby to sleep? » Beautiful Breastfeeding Says Reply

    […] cues as well as breastfeeding, advice that letting your baby fall asleep on the breast will create ‘bad habits’ or that he will never learn to ‘self settle’  is unrealistic and impractical: it is the most […]

  14. Nikki Says Reply

    Hi! Thank you for writing this! I have a 12 month old that still requires patting her back to fall asleep. This is no problem for me. The trouble we are having is that she still wakes to nurse 1-3x/night (It is seriously different every night, she even sleeps through the night on occasion, though rarely.) I would love to night wean, but every time we try she screams until my husband brings her to me for nursing. How can we gently night wean?
    We are expecting baby number two in August, so I’m feeling anxious about the possibility of night nursing two babies!
    Thanks!

  15. Emily Says Reply

    I have a 19 week old that is rocked or breastfed to sleep even for naps. I’ve tired the drowsy but awake thing but he immediately screams or gets really agitated. I actually don’t mind rocking or feeding him to sleep for night but would like him to be more independent during the day. He stays asleep once I put him down better than during the day. Any advice how to do drowsy but awake without tears?

  16. Alyson Says Reply

    I’ve enjoyed reading all these comments and love the idea of changing habits gently. I have been co sleeping with my 14 month old since he was born and desperately want to get him into his cot. I used to love co sleeping when he was little but now he’s driving me crazy and I’m afraid I’m not as good to him during the day as I could be because I’m so tired and just need a little space. He is still breastfeeding at least once during the night but I think if I wasn’t beside him he may stop that. I would love to know how you recommend I go about this. I know he will be so upset by the whole thing and I don’t want to traumatise him. I would appreciate your advice so much.

  17. Lindsay Says Reply

    Pinky, I think you may finally be the help I am looking for!

    I have been breastfeeding my 5 month old to sleep since birth. This for both naps and bedtime. He will go to sleep with rocking and on others but mostly it is with me in bed in the lying down position.
    We co-sleep which I love (for the time being)
    My only concern (problem soon when I have to go back to work) is that he consistently has my nipple in his mouth. This settles him when he wakes and will help to get him back to sleep… I’ve tried to pull my nipple out and close his mouth, which does work but not for long. I basically have to lay with him all the time… In order for him to sleep a proper amount of time!
    He stirs so much in the night recently that I seem to be changing boobs 4 times a night… And by the morning I’ve got nothing left to give…

    Any tips on how to get him out of this cycle?

    Thank you!

    • Rebecca Says Reply

      My 5 month of little girl is very similar to this, waking every 45mins to 1.5 hours during the night and I am exhausted! I am interested to hear what Pinky has to say!

  18. Emma Says Reply

    Hi Pinky,

    I just finished reading your book and this has made me feel a lot better about not rushing my baby into doing what he’s not ready to do, i.e. pushing him to self-settle too soon. However, I am finding that things are getting very difficult with his sleep at the moment in that he just does not seem to be able to get into that deep sleep phase.

    I used to be able to feed my son to sleep all the time, i.e. for naps and during the night. He would only sleep on me during the day after breastfeeding however so I tried to “fix this problem” because I was going back to work. When I went back to work, my husband and mother managed to get my son to sleep by rocking him with a dummy in his mouth (but only for the initial part – most of the time he spits the dummy out before fully falling asleep)

    At night, we kept the same routine of music with dad, bath, then feed to sleep and this worked really well, in that he would sleep for at least 3-4 hours at a stretch 3x during the night. However, once he hit 4 months (4-month regression?) this did not work anymore. Furthermore, as my little one is now almost 6 months old (next week!) and on solids, he is no longer as hungry as he used to be, so does not want to breastfeed for as long, which means he is not feeding for long enough in order to fall asleep.

    Thus, the only way we can now get him to sleep is by rocking. He usually tries to fight us initially even though he’s tired but then falls asleep quite quickly but just does not seem to be able to enter the deep sleep. He is also now waking up every 45-1.5 hours at night! I can now only rarely breastfeed him to sleep and he won’t even lie down next to me to sleep for longer periods of time. This results in all of us being tired during the day! I just want to do what is best for my baby and I definitely do not believe in letting him cry it out.

    Do you have any suggestions please?

  19. Hilary Says Reply

    Thank you for giving me the reassurance that I really needed right now! I have a 7 month old son who is yet to master self soothing so he relies on a breastfeed in our bed to go to sleep. This works just fine for me as I can nap with him but sadly I have to return to work in about 7 weeks. I have attempted those sleep training techniques to get him into his cot but I don’t stick with them long enough. I feel overwhelming pressure to have him taking to the bottle , settling on his own & sleeping alone all within a very short time. I like your gentle techniques & assurance that our babies will be ok & we don’t have to be super mums who do everything!!

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  27. この最初の腕時計の白い腕時計はクールということを証明した。それは、垂直クロノグラフ分計800シリーズ名tx線形クロノグラフ腕時計の1つです。第2のタイムゾーンとダイヤルの全体的な Says Reply

    この最初の腕時計の白い腕時計はクールということを証明した。それは、垂直クロノグラフ分計800シリーズ名tx線形クロノグラフ腕時計の1つです。第2のタイムゾーンとダイヤルの全体的なデザインは独特で、とげとげしくなる逆行ダイヤルがある。ホワイトトーン腕時計を通して持続する(明らかに)、しかし、それは100 %の定義はありません。あなたにはまだ若干のスポーティなオレンジとゴールドトーンダイヤルと手の上に上がりました。それは本当にうまくやった。私は高浮き彫りを付して白い回転ベゼルにホワイトが好きにしてください。グッチスーパーコピーブランド財布腕時計を見事に45 mmのワイドサイズまたは多分私の手首の上で非常に快適でした。あなたは、ダイヤルは最初は少し威嚇を見つけるかもしれませんが、ライブであなたの観察の後にすることは非常に簡単です。本当に素敵な白い色はしばしば見やすいスポーツです。この時計は本当に新しいであったので、私は正確なモデル番号を見つけることができません、しかし、それは価格の間にどこかについてドルであるべきです。 http://www.brandiwc.com/brand-1-copy-0.html

  28. ジェイコブスーパーコピー 火星の本バージョンでは、プロットのとても多くがちょうど彼の機転によって生き残るためにしようとしです、彼の周りの材料と若干の非常に素晴らしい問題解 Says Reply

    ジェイコブスーパーコピー 火星の本バージョンでは、プロットのとても多くがちょうど彼の機転によって生き残るためにしようとしです、彼の周りの材料と若干の非常に素晴らしい問題解決スキル。サバイバリストジャンル映画とショーは本当に人気があります、そして、そのカテゴリーの範囲内(ゾンビの添加なし)、火星の優れた「もっともらしい」話の将来の生き残りの近くの惑星火星の上にあります。だから私はそれを見ることについてかなり興奮ですとだけ言っておこう。 http://www.bagkakaku.com/vuitton_bag/2/N41542.html

  29. What’s in a name? Sleep training techniques  – Grubby Mummy and the Grubby Bubbies Says Reply

    […] that should also be respected and fading may be attempted further down the track if you so desire. Pinky McKay, Sarah Ockwell Smith, Elizabeth Pantley and Dr Pamela Douglas of The Possums Clinic, all offer more […]

  30. プラダバッグ Says Reply

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  31. Brittani Says Reply

    Great article. Any advice on weaning the pat on the back once baby is in the crib so she will be able to self soothe in the middle of the night?

  32. Help! My baby will only sleep in my arms - The Natural Parent Magazine Says Reply

    […] I receive emails and Facebook messages every single day from new mothers who are confused that they cannot simply pop a newborn down to sleep. Of course it’s stressful to be ‘the one’ who is holding your baby most of the day but it’s even more stressful to wonder, am I doing something ‘wrong’? Or to worry, am I creating ‘bad habits’? […]

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